The Lights

I fell asleep in his arms again.

I fell asleep in his arms, in his bed again.

It started with me wanting to tell him the injustice that was brought down on me. I was cut out. There is nothing to be changed, and yet he needed to know my side, not just the other. I want him to know. I held my tongue until I came back because there was nothing to be done from the other side of the world, but I should have said something. I could have said something. But I did not. Is this my test?

I lay in his arms again. It was warm. He told me, he likes when he holds me. He told me it makes him feel better to know I am safe. I told him I feel safe.

I start scared. I shouldn't... plays through my mind. But it feels so safe and right in his arms. Black and white, black and white. Grey? Always.  I played with his beautiful hair and wished.

I told him I missed him. I missed his laughter, his voice, his smell. I miss the comfort it brought me. I missed the ability to be excited about sharing the world with him. I missed the freedom I felt. I missed the happiness. I missed the excitement of anticipating and learning about a new person. Then I lay in his arms and slept.

He said I fit perfectly.

Should I be doing this?

What do I do? There is the other side. I hadn't surrendered though. I will wait and see how this plays, because I am on the line.

Should I deny myself what little happiness I can garner? Should I put up a fight? It cannot be called torture if it feels right.

My heart says yes, for now. I want to fight for this. I am tired of being walked over.

In the end, I gave him the piece of writing to read, in the morning, after a night of trying to coax it out of my lungs. It got caught on the fear in my throat and I had to have a hand in getting it out. He helped. He wants to listen.

This was twice in one weekend. I ended up in the bed next to him, with another person. A buffer? Its not a buffer when his hand is hooped on my bare hip. I miss his touch. Oh the trouble...



In other news, I met the Boss man to be, RS (Not to be confused with the Current boss man, RI). R is nice. I can tell he will be fun to work with come November. Maybe he'll convince the Head Hancho to plug some funding into the bathrooms. They need love.

Saw the Enchanted Forest. It was nice. Nothing to write home about unfortunately. Maybe it would have been better if I had been there on the terms originally thought of. With Him. It was nice never the less.

I need to write tomorrow. After mother and Father leave, I shall work on my story.