The Question Arises

I am more than certain it would have all worked out if I had not left the country.



That being said, I keep telling myself there is nothing to be done.

I am, naturally, a passive person. I don't like being aggressive. Half the time I don't like being assertive, though I wish I was more so that way. I am reminded that I put up with a lot of people's grief, and let people walk over me because I don't want them to be hurt and because I don't want anyone else to be hurt. I don't but up a struggle, because it seems like the dangerous road.

I am afraid of death sometimes. But above all things, I am afraid of never finding Love. It is the one thing I do best. When someone comes into my life, I throw the walls down, all of them, and let them join the busy city that is me. Its not half draw bridges.

A question has arisen, surfaced, since I've been thinking and talking, and thinking and talking. I know, that I don't have much of a right to ask this, since things are resolved.

There were three people involved in this, and of all of them, only two got to say anything about it before the final decision was made. One was cut out. If you do feel that way, and I know you do, you'd consider that I didn't get to speak or say anything.

I know we said we'd see how things went when we parted, but I had expectations too.

The last thing I want to do is cause more hurt between people. But if you really felt the same, when she came back, after not speaking, after all the rumors flew about, after I was gone, why go back?

Where is the guilt for me?

Of course admitting my fear makes it seem like all this is very desperate, and in a way it is. Wouldn't it be sad to go all one's life with out feeling loved in return? I rarely open up to people.

He is handsome, with his dark curls, and warm smile. He is handsome, tall with wide shoulders and a warmth that is just a part of him. When he held me, I felt like I could share my troubles and fall into a safe place. And the more I knew the more I liked. You can tell, just by his eyes, that he'll listen, that he's seen somethings and that despite it, he will do the best to make things right.

I just miss you and wish you were back to me only.

Hidden Dischange

I wake up every morning with a bottomless feeling in the pit of my stomach. The last 3 days have been interesting.

My Parents have been coming to visit me. They've come a long way.

I missed the bus to go down to them. I slept in from the night before. I felt like a begging idiot. I had no where to go, so I begged Him to drive me to the airport. He did and thank god for it. I said sorry a 1000 times but it didn't feel like enough.

The night before we stayed up watching a movies.

It was a good ride though. We cranked the music and had a nice chat. The sun was dazzling and I was happy until the end. The end was the hard part because I had to part with him.

I got back, had a nice time with the rents, but the pain built up once or twice and I had to talk to my mother, who knows everything. She doesn't understand. Not in a negative way, its just confusing.

Such Sweet Nothing.

My Unlucky Penny

I made a mistake last night. I drank too much at an emotional. I was feeling good, and then something set me off. I think it was the brownies. Or the drink. Or the eyes. Or the knowledge.

I'm so sad this day. I feel like I'm being left on a burning boat and all my insides want to do is crumple and fall.

I know everything and yet I can't let go, or I don't know how. I was so happy. Because I know what a wonderful person he is it makes it all the harder.

I don't tell anyone save for three people. I don't want anyone judging him or me. The last thing we need is people who don't understand cutting in.

I found a lucky penny on the ground, heads up. I wonder why I believe in that stuff. I feel like I'm losing my shine, and smile. I know that's what he likes is my smile. Its hard to see that right now. The air is cold as it coils around me, but I danced all the way to his place last night. I needed the fresh air. I needed the stars above me and I was happy to be back and loved by those around me.

I am happy to be in this beautiful place. I miss that beautiful person.\

I'm Keeping the Penny. Maybe that sort of luck takes time.


I live in a hostel, on the top bunk, above a Dutch guy, JD and with Dee and BB. BB knows things, we're sort of close in that buddy way. He can be immature but gives good hugs when I need them. He recovers easier from things, but that's how it is. I'll add more as time goes on.

Updates to come as we go.

Sweet Sleep

We fell asleep in each other's arms last night. I went back to his placed and we talked for longer than I know, then lay down and held each other, wondering what a mess we got ourselves in to. He invited me over, and we sat and talked to each other, long into the night.

I wanted to smash the glass between us and kiss you with all my heart, but instead we held each other in silence and wondered if we would make it out of this mess alive.

We whisper and wish it was as before.

There's a wall in between us and I feel like I'm peering at him through glass that was never there before. I'm scared I'm the villain in this. I know the situation. How? Why couldn't the dice roll in my favor for once?

Let it play out and keep your head up.

The stars came out for me last night, winking through the clouds and rain.

Did I mention I think JS is now interested in me, I think. He comes to the hostel every night.

He had to go today, I had to hide. Hold me a little longer, like you used to. I want to hear your heart in my ear and listen to you whisper and tell me your dreams. I want to smell that sweet smell you have that fills me with smiles.

"You took my heart, and you held it in your mouth..."

Walls

Its been sometime. I'm holding everything together rather well. I still feel it. Its like someone dumped acid in my stomach. I haven't changed, I'm just getting a better handle on them. I get anxious with distance and the absence of his voice, the warmth he exudes. I miss him and I'm scared. I haven't cried for a few days, but I don't know how long that will hold up. We've been texting every day... I just want to see him again.

I wish I never left.

The people I've met are interesting and I try to keep myself busy.

JD I think, has a thing for me but I can't be sure. He has a very specific way of being. E mentioned that there was a flat up the road to move into, but I think I'd like to make some more dough before that, and I don't want to lead JD on.

B has found true love, he thinks, not a day after he said he desired it. I wish it were so easy for me. Then again, it is easier for him to hand his heart out and he never seems to run into any serious trouble.

DC and JS are keeping me slightly distracted but I have to because and not lead anyone on. But it is good fun.

I got a gig volunteering at a museum. It should be nice to meet some new people. Applying for a quick and easy job at the shop down the road, but hopefully I get something more interesting.

Jobs I've always wanted to try:

- Helicopter Pilot
- Plummer
- Teacher
- Writer
- Dragon Master


"Let me in the walls you've built around, we can take a match and burn them down." - The Civil Wars

I Don't Know

It starts off with everyone and I am happy. But slow reminders start bringing up the pain between us. I can see the pain in him and he can see the pain in me.

I'm so scared I'm going to miss out on someone really amazing.

You're eye are so sad.

You carry everyone's pain in your heart. And it tries to break free with your tears. I want to hear your voice, sweet voice and you have a smell that warmed my heart. I can read your thoughts through your eyes, just as you can read mine and I see pain and kindness twisted into confusion.

All I want to do is help. All I want to do is help.

Writing, in all of this gives me clarity, or the closest thing I can get to clarity.

I am in a happy place. Starting anew. So start.

I was better yesterday. I had it together. But its slipping again. Its a little less. I'm not going to cry, by my belly burns and my heart aches. I know what I want. I know what I want. I know what I want, but it will just take time and I need to keep up my hope. Smile, be there, try not to cling. It will all be okay.

Don't Burn to hard. Hold it together.