Virginia and the Long Guy Fox Day

It started simply.

I was beside myself come Monday. A weekend of absense after everything that happened leaves me stressed to say the least.

It was a long day, mixed bag, and started the same as it always does. I come in, as tense as I bungee cord, scared even, and sit in the kitchen, and we start talking. It starts with easy conversation  Small talk and what we've been doing

Then it gets really heavy.

She was supposed to come to the hostel/Fort William yesterday, but didn't. Needed to relax.
He tells me how he feels and I tell him how I feel. He's put on Mumford and Sons and I can't stop the tears because they come eventually, not in sobs but wide, and quietly down my cheeks.

He tells me things I heard and things I haven't heard.

He said he was sorry, and that when She came back, he should have told her he was with me but he's stuck now. And there's only finishing what he's started. He told me that she's almost left him again because he went off on his own.

Possession and insecurity. How should she feel? Fine? Even I don't think that. Its not secure, and it wont be with me around. If he feels the way he does and from what he explains, its going to be this way for a while, even if I exert no pressure, because it is towards me he drifts, at the end of the night. How it will end I don't know. Someone is going to be hurt. Someone is going to want space. And then what?

He said he knows its not going to work out and he wishes he could ask me to wait, but knows he cannot ask that. I should move on. Don't tell me what to feel. Its not easy for me. I know what I feel, and even if you are messed, I can see you're not a broken person. You're shining.
He said I make him feel good again, and that he can see the good in me, and that's what he likes.

That's beyond the beauty is what draws him to me, the sparkle, the new, almost innocent eyes.
Then the day settles. We talk more casually about the world going on around us. The finality of his work. The adventures of our friends and ideas that pass between us. It settles in to peace and I forget that I have to leave. I forget everything and remember standing in his kitchen in black underpants and oatmeal colored blouse nearly four months back.

We speak of possession and abandonment, its something neither of us likes to feel.

I spend all day at his place having lunch, dinner and a superhero movie. Half way through the superhero movie I notice the setting of the sun. My time is running out. Fear rips through me, seizing up my back, muscles and entrapping me. I'm so scared.

Then the panic returns.

What if I never feel safe again?

I tell him I feel safe in the warmth of his embrace, and I'm afraid I'm never going to feel that again. As much the warmth of his body as the emotional security it gives me to be with him.

He knows he shouldn't but its on his own accord that he comes across. I know he reads my pain and I tell him as much that I'm scared. He says it will do no good, and I know it might not, but for the brief moment it does. I'm safe.

What if I never get to kiss you again?

He brushes away my tears, kisses the top of my head, and I remember him telling me earlier that he thought my eyes were beautiful. I'm scared to touch him with my hands and he tells me its okay. Its fear tripping me up. 

Its such a fight and by the time I leave he's lulled me again into a sense of comfort, with hugs, kind words, and the soft touch of his hands on my skin. Gentle against my hip. Soft against the curve of my neck. He says he's dreamed of me, intimately.  

I should say more, I think but then I remember all the beautiful things I say about his soul, something he think isn't as strong as it truly is.

When I left, my stomach was sick. Its never been sick before, not like this. The worst sort of illness is the illness of the heart. It cut through my gut and I was forced to bed early after the festivities. No drink for me, my heart hearts to much. Not that I wasn't pleasant, and not that it wasn't fun, for it was.

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It is the next day. Evening and we are out upon the town, as we always do.

And we are upon the bar we always go to. 

I see him there and do my usual best to keep it normal.

We all head off to the pool room, where there is more space. Somehow we end up on the same team, get whooped, and have a good laugh over it. Someone catches us with her camera. It is Virginia. The evening goes on and I realize that I'm hooked and walking next to him the whole way. Be quiet and just listen because I can't seem to shake where I'm standing.

Toasties.

We're all up late talking and I just end up listening. Its close to 2 and I want to go to sleep, to end things on a good note. I give a big hug and he nuzzles my head, sniffing it as he does when he can't do what he wants to. He smells so sweet.

A fight is going on in the other room, between BB and two girls, including Virginia. We ended up back in the kitchen. When BB and his chosen woman leave, it leaves us with Virginia. I start doing the dishes, as I do when I can't really think of anything else to do. Virginia turns her back, "Don't make out while I'm here."

I and He are stunned. Then I laugh. She's reading us, and its right.

She decides she wants to go up the road to find a friend to fuck. Horny little thing. Its 3:30 am.

We walk our way there, and through the park, I give him a soft little head butt in the shoulder. I want to be affectionate but this is the only safe thing I can think of doing. He puts his arm around my waist. He knows what it means. It affectionate and personal for me. I don't share that part of me with anyone but ... but him if he were mine.

I want to lean in accept it but I'm spooked. You want me to hold back. You want me to hold back and I'm not helping. It happens when he's had more than me. We stop at the door of the building and wait for her plan to fail. Poor horny thing. It does and we walk to his car.

Its a short ride to the hostel. I want to hold his hand so badly. We arrive and Virginia gets out of the car and scurries in, saying go do your thing. I say I'm following her in and she says that's not what she's expecting. I know, me neither.

She scurries in, and I linger, like I always do. I just want to slip in easy, easy for him, but he wants a hug. I give him a hug and it lingers for a time. I can smell everything about him. I have to go to bed though. Rising from the car seat, I reach out and hold his head. Its warm, and it feels so right. I pass inside, and i can feel myself smiling, the opposite of Monday.

Texted me all evening the next and last night. Sleep well ____, see you next week.