Three Times

I feel something like the devil right now, and I know I'm not.

Here sits the devil, all alone and sad. Here sits the devil, pretending she is glad.
Here sits the devil, dressed and made to smile.
Here sits the devil...

Let it Play Out. What if this was the way it was meant to play?

Wednesday night was interesting again. I felt this urge, almost as soon as I he came in the door. I didn't want to leave his side. I had to control my self on a highly conscious level. Then he told me she was in town. At his place. It sunk me for the evening. It weighs on my heart like lead.

I can't help it. I can't help it. I am glad the moment I see him. It makes me shine and I can hear his heart in my head. Not in a mad way. I just feel it, because that's what I do best is feel.

I've been in his thoughts all weekend, until he opened the door to her last night.

By the evening's end, we were in the back drying room, having a private conversation again.

I didn't want him to leave. I knew where he was going at the end of the night and it hurt.

I told him, holding his gaze with all the strength I can muster, never to let anyone push you from what you want, ever. Never let someone take your dream from you.

I said, I don't know what the sadness is, maybe I'm not old enough to understand or I haven't lived long enough, but I will be there for you, and try to help you though it.

I'm seated on his lap, he just wants to be safe and I want to hold him against my heart.

He's so confused. He said, again they share a sadness, but says when he's around me, he says I make the sadness feel better. I make it better, I heal it.

He said she's scared and almost left. He says she loves him. I can understand that. I know why. She sees the kindness as a strength. But would he be pushed? I don't know. I don't know her and I cannot make that sort of assumption.

I can always hear his heart beating, in my ears, and I wish it would stop so it could be easy for him, but it wont.

Someone has failed him in the past and someone has been too strong.

I can feel his fear of failure in that he thinks I'm a gamble. He doesn't want to lose anyone important to him. He's lost someone important to him, either by death or from abandonment. I never ever want to do that to him. Never.

I can feel someone's been too strong to him. Someone has controlled him to the point of breaking. Someone has told him what to do. Someone has pushed him and I don't want to ever push him from what he's doing. If you ask for help I will be there. But I will never take your dream You never take someones dream away.

He uses my youth as a way of pushing me away. But I reminded him that there are people of all ages who are older and younger than they seem. Its all very complicated.

He said he felt like she was making this party the line. The Choice. It wasn't a choice. This is not something to make the choice over. A party? Its fear I know, which is why I had to step back. This is not the place to be putting that kind of pressure. It hurts though. It hurts when I know she's there, or he's there. Its like someone's trying to shut out the stars.


Why do the clouds always take away my stars?

Even when you're far away I can feel your heart in my head. It beats like a drum and I can hear it, and I don't want it to stop. I kiss his chest, and listen because the sound is music to me. Hot tears run down my cheek, tears of truth, and fear.

Nuzzling me, he feels safe. I want to do things to you, bad things. The scruff of his cheek nestles against my neck.

He almost kissed me again. Holding me close against his strong body, I could feel his face against my cheek. I was scared to touch him. Not like this. He doesn't want to hurt her and I'm scared to be hurt.

I can't do this. I can't do this. Wait. 

I fell his lips brush near my ear and my body's reaction, sharp and warm. It remembers everything. The second kiss is closer across my pale smooth cheek.

I should stop this. I should stop this. I should kiss him.

I hesitate, feeling the bristles of his facial hair against my face. My heart is hammering. I'm so scared. Words rush through my head, and the tears from my earlier professions are all but dried. The moments in the dark, pressed against the wall, hands in mine.

Kissed again, at the corner of my mouth. I can feel it, those sweet lips that brought and bring my body to life. I am flushed and wanting. Everything, not just your body but your heart.

Then like a hare, remembering everything that is this Nightmare, remembering where you have to go, where you have to sleep at the end of the night, you bolt into the rain, leaving me with a chilling body, and a heart aching for this all to be over.