I sat beside the fire last night, wrapped in a soft blanket. The heat was warm.
Sometimes I'm bad for keeping myself in check, sometime he is. The first night was him and the second mine.
The first night we made our way to the pub and then the club, as we do. I can tell the week didn't go the greatest for him. I can read the stress on him. I worry about it. If its too much, I can see it on his face, read it on his person and the way he acts. Friday was one of those nights. I had to go to the loo, there was a strange old man following me about and I needed to hide from him. I made my way to the bathroom, pausing at the door I turn and see King there, right behind me.
He' drunk. I'm drunk. Nothing happens.
Why are you so good? Why can't you just be bad? Why can't you just sleep with JS? It would be so much easier. You know it wouldn't be. You know that's the easy way out. I know but I... She freaked out at the party in Pit. And then she and my mom freaked out too.
What can I say. Nothing.
You're so beautiful, inside and out.
Eventually it was time to go. I was doing very well. LG and I lead him out to the street, beer in hand, we walked/staggered back to the hostel. In the walk he kept letting little things slip about us. He wanted to sleep next to me in the worst way. It would be easy with LG because she would make it look platonic.
He wants to sleep with me and hold me. He wants to feel safe.
Arriving at the hostel, we got the calendar girl shot for September, I promise not to send it to that place. He's scared and starts talking about how he feels. LG is there and hears it all.
I like Her my head, but I like her {me} with my heart. I don't know what to do.
The answer is obvious isn't it? Go with your heart? LG asks.
I've heart my heart before. He feels so much fear that its holding him back. Strength. He needs it so bad, and insight into how to live by honesty and truth.
LG knows everything now. She can see the static between us. The lightning. It is nice in a way, and I'm glad for it. Someone can see, and she sees the truth.
Pajamas. We decide to get P.Js on. LG goes to the bedroom, I go to the laundry room where my cloths are. He follows. I'm there in black silk and teal green, shivering in the chill that inhabits that room. His hands fall on the black cloth, drawing me close.
I want you so bad.
I want you too, but we can't. I'm being the strong one again. One hand rests on my waist, the other cradles my chin, brushing back my curls. My hands are against his chest. Heat radiates from him, and his heart hammers against the palm of my right hand. I want you so bad right now. I wish I could just... His touch, the words, it sends a shiver through my body, and I'm backed against the wall. My heart hammers in my chest and I can feel his course bristles against my skin.
Another shiver. Another sharp breath in my lungs.
I lock eyes with him and he comes in, it's almost a kiss if I didn't move my head, and I hold him against me. He's frustrated, I can hear it in my ears. Feel it in my body. I'm pressed. I want to break down this stupid distance. I want to embrace the heat rising through my body and take him in my arms as much as he wants to take me. I want there to be no guilt or pain, but happiness, like their used to be.
But it can't be if its like this, secret.
Not now, I whisper, one day. Not now.
We make our way back to the lounge and I settle on his right, LG on his left. Under the warm blanket I feel his hand on my leg. He wants to reach and I want him to reach, but he doesn't. exhausted from the lateness of the hour, we doze before heading off to bed.
Come morning he follows me down for breakfast. I remind him of what he said and did last night.
We had lovely hangover breakfast of cheesy noodles. A day of showering and warm water, some walks around the place. Relaxing. After we eat, and my headphones are in my ears, remnants of working and dancing, but they're playing no sound. I rise, and as I pass him, take the jack for them and put it where his heart is. He smiles and says I'm sweet.
We all went out again the next night. He's wearing one of my favourite shirts. All of us share in dinner
It was my turn to be weak. I could feel the need to be around him pulse through me. I just wanted it to be simple and us to be happy. But It wasn't. Leaving the Second Place, he decided to walk me back towards the hostel, a different way. A way no one else would go. Its a slow walk up hill, through the back place, through the park with wet grass and a heart surging with questions.
I tell him it is his turn to be the strong one, because I can't help myself. He sits on the swing, balanced, and he holds as much fear as I do. I confess that I feel bad for her, for the fear she feels, and tell him that I'm not done, or out of this.
I'm suddenly pinched with the desire to not go back. I'm so stressed. I hate everything and I want it to stop. He leads me back though. We have to be good and no one else needs to know. He leads me back, singing Little Lion Man. We go to bed and he ends up sleeping across and holding my stuffed cow, worried when he woke and could not hold it.
Dawn brings work, a late breakfast and lounging in the lounge from two until eleven at night. I can feel his eyes on me and I have to work hard not to look at him. There's a warm fire, good food and a fine discussion of a hundred different things in life. I can feel the heat on my skin, the rapture of friendship and hear the heart beating of contented folk. It is a good relaxing day, and at the end of the night, when he has to go home I get three big, strong hugs, and can smell him through his shirt, and feel his warmth.
It is, in the end, a good night, but my bed is still empty.
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