Words that defined my life up until two days ago. They still haunt me like a specter right now, yet I will not let it consume me completely.
I don't now what to do.
I said, at your door way, crying because I was scared you were mad at me. Shuddering with each breath and on the edge of a break down, cold and scared. Something was wrong and I wanted to make it right but I didn't know how. Something was being pushed in me. Something was being pushed in me, by me. I wanted more than I could get my hands on, patience wearing thin. It put a strain on my body, my mind, and above all, my heart. The little I was given wasn't enough. The far future seemed to far away.
I dreamt the night before, I was being hunted by a dragon, ready to burn me alive in my airport, where I was ready to escape back to the country I'm living now. But that's not what bothered me. It was the fact that you were mad at me. Very mad. You were mad and I could feel you starring down at me with eyes hotter than dragons breath.
Jealousy. She is a green monster, and I was letting her get the better of me. Of course there were other driving factors, and I'm certain its not gone away quiet yet. It wont, really. Not until its over.
But when your on a hard wood floor, covered in dust, begging, crying until your sick and knowing you have to leave. When you wake and your eyes have but barely open and the tears come a new, something needs to be done. The way I'm going isn't working. Its hurting me, its hurting you worse than me.
Someone needs to take action. If he can't, if he can't because he doesn't know how to go about it, then I need to take up the reins.
The night I ran back, clothes covered in plaster dust, tears and fear, I dreamed of you again. But it wasn't bad. I was in a crowded place, navigating my way through, when I saw you. And through the crowd of grey, green and red clothed people, I saw you and threw myself into your arms.
That's what I want. That right there. The fearless feeling in a crowd that I can run into your arms and the emotion that comes rushing out with it. I want that. I don't want guilt, lies and brokenhearts. I want to run through the grey, falling snow, and feel safe and loved in your arms.
To do that I need to change the way things are right now. Crying on your floor, practically begging, changes nothing. In fact, it may worsen it. Of course tears are allowed, but not like that.
I need to give you the space that you need to figure things out. I need to be your friend, because I realize you have no one else. I need to listen. I need to not push. Because I have been, when I shouldn't be. I've been pushing, consciously and subconsciously and no one likes to be pushed.
My heart hurts to, and the reason I do this is because I care. I care for the long haul more than I realize. The short pieces mean nothing to me, they're not what I really want. I want the big picture with you. I want a chance, and I can't do that if you can't look at me. I want no guilt. I want no pain. So to get what I want I need to give you promises now.
So I promise to give you space.
I promise to listen.
I promise to go home before 10 at night.
I promise not to push.
I promise not to give the "kiss me eyes".
I promise to be your friend.
I promise you all this because in return I want a promise. Two things, that's all I want, to be able to make it through the short term.
The first is a pinch of time. Once a week, that's all I ask. Give me a text when you get a moment, but give me a piece of time. It doesn't have to be big. Just a few hours. A movie or a walk, with some good conversation to go with it.
The second is guilt. When we do get our moments, I don't want to worry later that you'll taint them with guilt. I'm going to do my best to make sure you don't have to, but its something I need you to help me not worry about it. It makes me panic, and crawl to your doorstep crying.
I will be strong for you.
At the end of it, another letter, you give me those promises. You give me a hug and tell me that you need to figure things out, and you don't know how long it will take but you need. That there is a special connection. There's a connection that bypasses any outside feeling.
I will be strong for you.
... and for me. At the end of the day, I will always be there for me, and I cannot help, if I cannot help myself.
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