When I sleep last night, in the empty bed, as I do, I did cry a bit, but was comforted by the small rock. Its smooth with the little gold markings.
I was grateful for what you did yesterday. I can't say I am completely happy, but its something I cannot protest.
I take instead, the magic of Saturday in my heart like a gem, close to my chest. Each day is a treasure and I put it away in my special box. Not my safe place for that is with you when a mauve blanket covers us and you share a movie with me and hold me when I cry easily at the suffering of a person.
I am your friend and I remind myself of this place. It is special. More than anything. Like an unknown seed, it is a thing that can grow and blossom into a flower or even a tree.
Today the sun is out and I wish I could push you into it and watch you smile at the fresh beauty of the world. The land awash in snow and purple, bright in its beauty and I know your looking at it now and smiling.
Hope is the sunshine in me, dipping and ducking through cloud, rain, and storm, ever making my world bright, no matter the weather, keeping me forwards.
I do miss you, and your warmth. You being furnace I wish to nestle against and hold, and make sure your heart is okay.
Make sure you're okay.
My friend, my great friend, today, with the sky so bright and blue, I couldn't help but think of nothing but you. And no matter if your mind was not on me today, I still send the sun and warm your way, hope you are well and wish to see you soon.
Thursday 30 January 2014
Wednesday 29 January 2014
Sunday 26 January 2014
The Witch's Trial
You lead me down the witches trail.
You teach me about the Seven sisters.
You hold me in the dark breath of the woods, with the sound of water and a far away plane.
You teach me about the Seven sisters.
You hold me in the dark breath of the woods, with the sound of water and a far away plane.
Monday 20 January 2014
Menace and Bun-head.
Menace and Bun-head
Menace went to visit her friend Bun-head on Sunday. She meant to stay until 10, like she promised, so there would be no lies, and there would be no secrets and it would be easier. Menace ended up staying until 630 in the morning. Sleep only, and on Bun-head's invitation.
They watched Zombieland, which was very funny, and something she'd never gotten around to watching.
But Bun-head had work to do and so Menace helped him by clearing out one room. They stumbled upon two boxes of memories, old things and such and they almost forgot about all that stuff. He gave her a book, a little pebble, and a sterling cross. They played electric Laser tag through the house, and while Bun-head took a quick shower, Menace finished cleaning up the little room for him.
They decided to go to the shop and pick up a drink. On the way back, Menace spotted a shooting star, and Bun-head said to make a wish. She did already.
Menace was hungry too, so a nice big dinner was made, with poutine sauce. It was delicious, and they broke their no drink policy for a handful of drinks. With their meal they had a movie, watching 12 Years a Slave, moving and deep movie, that brought little Menace to tears, not just for the profound sadness of the act, but because she want to snuggle in Bun-head's arms and have him tell her it would be okay. But Bun-head saw those tears and hated to see her greet, and gave her great comfort by holding her close and worrying if it was more. She said it was only the movie, so not to worry him any further.
Then, after ages, they watched King Arthur. For ages Menace wanted Bun-head to watch. It had been one of her favourite movies when she was younger, but held against 12 Years a Slave, it seemed so campy. But Bun-head was patient and watched it to the end with her.
By now it was very late, and Bun-head, from working so hard, was tired. A bit of rest. So they lay under purple covers, in the dark, whispering and speaking.
You've renewed my faith in women. -Bun-head.
Would you pack up and meet me in another country if I asked you? - Bun-head
Yes, of course... that doesn't freak you out, does it? - Menace
No, its sweet. - Bun-head
I've never met anyone like you. Ever. - Bun-head
We have the weirdest friendship. - Menace and Bun-head
Menace went to visit her friend Bun-head on Sunday. She meant to stay until 10, like she promised, so there would be no lies, and there would be no secrets and it would be easier. Menace ended up staying until 630 in the morning. Sleep only, and on Bun-head's invitation.
They watched Zombieland, which was very funny, and something she'd never gotten around to watching.
But Bun-head had work to do and so Menace helped him by clearing out one room. They stumbled upon two boxes of memories, old things and such and they almost forgot about all that stuff. He gave her a book, a little pebble, and a sterling cross. They played electric Laser tag through the house, and while Bun-head took a quick shower, Menace finished cleaning up the little room for him.
They decided to go to the shop and pick up a drink. On the way back, Menace spotted a shooting star, and Bun-head said to make a wish. She did already.
Menace was hungry too, so a nice big dinner was made, with poutine sauce. It was delicious, and they broke their no drink policy for a handful of drinks. With their meal they had a movie, watching 12 Years a Slave, moving and deep movie, that brought little Menace to tears, not just for the profound sadness of the act, but because she want to snuggle in Bun-head's arms and have him tell her it would be okay. But Bun-head saw those tears and hated to see her greet, and gave her great comfort by holding her close and worrying if it was more. She said it was only the movie, so not to worry him any further.
Then, after ages, they watched King Arthur. For ages Menace wanted Bun-head to watch. It had been one of her favourite movies when she was younger, but held against 12 Years a Slave, it seemed so campy. But Bun-head was patient and watched it to the end with her.
By now it was very late, and Bun-head, from working so hard, was tired. A bit of rest. So they lay under purple covers, in the dark, whispering and speaking.
You've renewed my faith in women. -Bun-head.
Would you pack up and meet me in another country if I asked you? - Bun-head
Yes, of course... that doesn't freak you out, does it? - Menace
No, its sweet. - Bun-head
I've never met anyone like you. Ever. - Bun-head
We have the weirdest friendship. - Menace and Bun-head
Saturday 18 January 2014
Mantra
Its a fight. I can feel it inside of me. One more day. You can make it one more day.
You can be strong.
I remind myself a hundred times, of the things that were said, to keep my heart settled. Its like scrambling through Advil, when you want your cocaine. My back is tense and my body on edge. I can do this. I can do this.
Please send me something. Please. Please. NO! You can do this. You can do this. You can wait. Wait! For him, and for you.
Its my mantra. I want to speak with you. It means she's still there and it disgust me. I've never really admitted it before, but the idea of her, there, grosses me to no end.
You can do this.
Breathe deep. Patience and Strength.
You can be strong.
I remind myself a hundred times, of the things that were said, to keep my heart settled. Its like scrambling through Advil, when you want your cocaine. My back is tense and my body on edge. I can do this. I can do this.
Please send me something. Please. Please. NO! You can do this. You can do this. You can wait. Wait! For him, and for you.
Its my mantra. I want to speak with you. It means she's still there and it disgust me. I've never really admitted it before, but the idea of her, there, grosses me to no end.
You can do this.
Breathe deep. Patience and Strength.
Wednesday 15 January 2014
Re-Alignment Results: I will be Strong for You
I don't know what to do.
Words that defined my life up until two days ago. They still haunt me like a specter right now, yet I will not let it consume me completely.
I don't now what to do.
I said, at your door way, crying because I was scared you were mad at me. Shuddering with each breath and on the edge of a break down, cold and scared. Something was wrong and I wanted to make it right but I didn't know how. Something was being pushed in me. Something was being pushed in me, by me. I wanted more than I could get my hands on, patience wearing thin. It put a strain on my body, my mind, and above all, my heart. The little I was given wasn't enough. The far future seemed to far away.
I dreamt the night before, I was being hunted by a dragon, ready to burn me alive in my airport, where I was ready to escape back to the country I'm living now. But that's not what bothered me. It was the fact that you were mad at me. Very mad. You were mad and I could feel you starring down at me with eyes hotter than dragons breath.
Jealousy. She is a green monster, and I was letting her get the better of me. Of course there were other driving factors, and I'm certain its not gone away quiet yet. It wont, really. Not until its over.
But when your on a hard wood floor, covered in dust, begging, crying until your sick and knowing you have to leave. When you wake and your eyes have but barely open and the tears come a new, something needs to be done. The way I'm going isn't working. Its hurting me, its hurting you worse than me.
Someone needs to take action. If he can't, if he can't because he doesn't know how to go about it, then I need to take up the reins.
The night I ran back, clothes covered in plaster dust, tears and fear, I dreamed of you again. But it wasn't bad. I was in a crowded place, navigating my way through, when I saw you. And through the crowd of grey, green and red clothed people, I saw you and threw myself into your arms.
That's what I want. That right there. The fearless feeling in a crowd that I can run into your arms and the emotion that comes rushing out with it. I want that. I don't want guilt, lies and brokenhearts. I want to run through the grey, falling snow, and feel safe and loved in your arms.
To do that I need to change the way things are right now. Crying on your floor, practically begging, changes nothing. In fact, it may worsen it. Of course tears are allowed, but not like that.
I need to give you the space that you need to figure things out. I need to be your friend, because I realize you have no one else. I need to listen. I need to not push. Because I have been, when I shouldn't be. I've been pushing, consciously and subconsciously and no one likes to be pushed.
My heart hurts to, and the reason I do this is because I care. I care for the long haul more than I realize. The short pieces mean nothing to me, they're not what I really want. I want the big picture with you. I want a chance, and I can't do that if you can't look at me. I want no guilt. I want no pain. So to get what I want I need to give you promises now.
So I promise to give you space.
I promise to listen.
I promise to go home before 10 at night.
I promise not to push.
I promise not to give the "kiss me eyes".
I promise to be your friend.
I promise you all this because in return I want a promise. Two things, that's all I want, to be able to make it through the short term.
The first is a pinch of time. Once a week, that's all I ask. Give me a text when you get a moment, but give me a piece of time. It doesn't have to be big. Just a few hours. A movie or a walk, with some good conversation to go with it.
The second is guilt. When we do get our moments, I don't want to worry later that you'll taint them with guilt. I'm going to do my best to make sure you don't have to, but its something I need you to help me not worry about it. It makes me panic, and crawl to your doorstep crying.
I will be strong for you.
At the end of it, another letter, you give me those promises. You give me a hug and tell me that you need to figure things out, and you don't know how long it will take but you need. That there is a special connection. There's a connection that bypasses any outside feeling.
I will be strong for you.
... and for me. At the end of the day, I will always be there for me, and I cannot help, if I cannot help myself.
Words that defined my life up until two days ago. They still haunt me like a specter right now, yet I will not let it consume me completely.
I don't now what to do.
I said, at your door way, crying because I was scared you were mad at me. Shuddering with each breath and on the edge of a break down, cold and scared. Something was wrong and I wanted to make it right but I didn't know how. Something was being pushed in me. Something was being pushed in me, by me. I wanted more than I could get my hands on, patience wearing thin. It put a strain on my body, my mind, and above all, my heart. The little I was given wasn't enough. The far future seemed to far away.
I dreamt the night before, I was being hunted by a dragon, ready to burn me alive in my airport, where I was ready to escape back to the country I'm living now. But that's not what bothered me. It was the fact that you were mad at me. Very mad. You were mad and I could feel you starring down at me with eyes hotter than dragons breath.
Jealousy. She is a green monster, and I was letting her get the better of me. Of course there were other driving factors, and I'm certain its not gone away quiet yet. It wont, really. Not until its over.
But when your on a hard wood floor, covered in dust, begging, crying until your sick and knowing you have to leave. When you wake and your eyes have but barely open and the tears come a new, something needs to be done. The way I'm going isn't working. Its hurting me, its hurting you worse than me.
Someone needs to take action. If he can't, if he can't because he doesn't know how to go about it, then I need to take up the reins.
The night I ran back, clothes covered in plaster dust, tears and fear, I dreamed of you again. But it wasn't bad. I was in a crowded place, navigating my way through, when I saw you. And through the crowd of grey, green and red clothed people, I saw you and threw myself into your arms.
That's what I want. That right there. The fearless feeling in a crowd that I can run into your arms and the emotion that comes rushing out with it. I want that. I don't want guilt, lies and brokenhearts. I want to run through the grey, falling snow, and feel safe and loved in your arms.
To do that I need to change the way things are right now. Crying on your floor, practically begging, changes nothing. In fact, it may worsen it. Of course tears are allowed, but not like that.
I need to give you the space that you need to figure things out. I need to be your friend, because I realize you have no one else. I need to listen. I need to not push. Because I have been, when I shouldn't be. I've been pushing, consciously and subconsciously and no one likes to be pushed.
My heart hurts to, and the reason I do this is because I care. I care for the long haul more than I realize. The short pieces mean nothing to me, they're not what I really want. I want the big picture with you. I want a chance, and I can't do that if you can't look at me. I want no guilt. I want no pain. So to get what I want I need to give you promises now.
So I promise to give you space.
I promise to listen.
I promise to go home before 10 at night.
I promise not to push.
I promise not to give the "kiss me eyes".
I promise to be your friend.
I promise you all this because in return I want a promise. Two things, that's all I want, to be able to make it through the short term.
The first is a pinch of time. Once a week, that's all I ask. Give me a text when you get a moment, but give me a piece of time. It doesn't have to be big. Just a few hours. A movie or a walk, with some good conversation to go with it.
The second is guilt. When we do get our moments, I don't want to worry later that you'll taint them with guilt. I'm going to do my best to make sure you don't have to, but its something I need you to help me not worry about it. It makes me panic, and crawl to your doorstep crying.
I will be strong for you.
At the end of it, another letter, you give me those promises. You give me a hug and tell me that you need to figure things out, and you don't know how long it will take but you need. That there is a special connection. There's a connection that bypasses any outside feeling.
I will be strong for you.
... and for me. At the end of the day, I will always be there for me, and I cannot help, if I cannot help myself.
Sunday 12 January 2014
Kiss Me, I'm Cold
Kiss me, I'm cold.
I miss the warmth in your eyes and smile.
The way you hold me in your arms makes the frost clawing at my heart melt.
The way you hold me at tell me everything will be okay, even though its something you can't promise in knots the rope around my ankles.
The way you brush back my hair, and wipe the tears from my eyes, unlocks the shackles from my hands.
The way you kiss the top of my head and let me hold your hand, free's the song in my heart, too broken to fly.
My faith is compass and it is bound to my heart. It knows only one direction. Even when the lights are gone, and the wind strips by body, lashing me, I know my way.
Your feelings for me made me realize someone could feel for me, not just for the outside. And you are someone I can return that feeling too. Why fight it?
Why?
No one else sees it? Why can't you?
I miss the warmth in your eyes and smile.
The way you hold me in your arms makes the frost clawing at my heart melt.
The way you hold me at tell me everything will be okay, even though its something you can't promise in knots the rope around my ankles.
The way you brush back my hair, and wipe the tears from my eyes, unlocks the shackles from my hands.
The way you kiss the top of my head and let me hold your hand, free's the song in my heart, too broken to fly.
My faith is compass and it is bound to my heart. It knows only one direction. Even when the lights are gone, and the wind strips by body, lashing me, I know my way.
Your feelings for me made me realize someone could feel for me, not just for the outside. And you are someone I can return that feeling too. Why fight it?
Why?
No one else sees it? Why can't you?
Saturday 11 January 2014
Quotes from a Strange Place
Some times you gotta do the right thing, even when the wrong thing would be a whole lot easier.
Compromises are for lesser souls. Die werewolf-zombie
Compromises are for lesser souls. Die werewolf-zombie
Friday 10 January 2014
Sunday 5 January 2014
Its Only A Dress
Its only a dress, but it is your favourite. I can see it in your eyes, I know, and it is why I wear it.
I have little to draw you to me. Your bound by your obligation. She has been hurt and you don't want to be the one to break her. It might happen, though I think you wish to fight it.
We have many secrets my friend. Thoughts and feelings that only you and I know. Remembering smooth touches, warm kisses and the warmth that glows from with in you and permeates me. You dance me in your hard work, and whisper Andy Williams lyrics in my ears. I want you to hold me a little longer.
Your the girl I've been looking for. My enigma.
If it weren't for everything, of course I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be waiting, fighting and wishing you'd come and love me.
I have little to draw you to me. Your bound by your obligation. She has been hurt and you don't want to be the one to break her. It might happen, though I think you wish to fight it.
We have many secrets my friend. Thoughts and feelings that only you and I know. Remembering smooth touches, warm kisses and the warmth that glows from with in you and permeates me. You dance me in your hard work, and whisper Andy Williams lyrics in my ears. I want you to hold me a little longer.
Your the girl I've been looking for. My enigma.
If it weren't for everything, of course I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be waiting, fighting and wishing you'd come and love me.
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