Recap, the four characters I've created represent an aspect of my personality and I use each of them in different scenarios of my life to explore ideas, fears and help face things I'm unsure of. I've made the first when I was 14 years old and carried them in my life in one format or another since then, which include University and various personal crisis. I'm writing about them in the order they were created.
Then there's the second ever created. The exact counter to Jack. Cody.
Cody is short, 5'6.5 with ice blue eyes and raven black hair which was once put into a shaved mowhawk, but now put into a faux hawk. He has a more pointed face, oval with a nose which has a slight nick in it from being broken a few times. His skin freckled more when he was younger but faded and smoothed into an even pallor and tans poorly. At one time he sported more than 27 body piercings but now only has 7- 13 of them including one nasal, three in each ear lobe, a viper bite, and the lower lip in the center. Additionally he has seven tattoos, of hamlet's scull, native bear, the celtic tree of life baring his sisters' names underneath, Hades and various others.
Son of a wealthy, abet spineless architect and abusive alcoholic mother, Cody spent large portions of time away from home, hanging about on the streets with poorer street kids until his younger sister Jennifer was born. During this time he learned the guitar and to do tricks on a bike. After this his mother grew resentful of him as he defended his younger sister against the abuse. He developed the ability to teleport. Following this development he quit smoking and began learning martial arts, which he still continues to this day, as a means to refine his skill. At the same time he started traveling over seas, learning 7 different languages, including Mandarin, French, German, Spanish, Russian, Norwegian and Portuguese.
Despite these improvements in himself, he was still forced to remain with his family to protect his sister Jenny and their baby sister Rosie until at the age of twenty two, an accident in the house resulted in child services being called. Cody now has full custody of both siblings.
Cody is the fun side of myself. His enthusiasm for the world and trying new things is what he represents. He is out going despite his troubles and maintains a youthful exuberance against anything that tries to bring him down. Even war, blood and death roll of his back.
He also maintains my sense of loyalty. While he goes off on adventures, he never forgets his family and they are his first priority. His family and Jack. Aware of his friend's weaknesses, sheltered youth and the abuse they both faced, and is the first to defend him. He tries to encourage Jack to trust while taking head of his friend's advice. He thinks before he speaks and leaps before he looks, but he always does it with good intentions. He learns things I've always wanted to, he does things I'm limited to.
Often, when I'm going to a party, I find myself in Cody's company. He'll warm up easy to a crowd. He'll make friends and do cool things and they'll accept him for who he is and he wont listen to the pressures of a crowd, but be himself.
Cody is my friend. He is the outside energy I want to show more often. The confidence in life.
Friday, 13 June 2014
Wednesday, 11 June 2014
Four Other Mes: The First Me
How do I explain my most precious coping mechanism?
I write, this is clear enough, but why did I get into writing?
It was usually to deal with some aspect of my life I found overwhelming in my head; an event to come, a new job, traveling somewhere, sadness, exploring my own metal state, and loneliness.
I didn't do it though, by writing a best seller, but by developing characters, that are, for all intensive purposes, imaginary friends. I use them in all sorts of stories. Fan fiction, my own stories, novels and various day to day imaginings.
I never expected to carry these characters along with me, nor did I expect them to help me through my troubles. With them, I can project ideas and imagine how they would react. Bounce ideas off them. Or I can use them in novels, where I don't want to be the only one in on the adventure. Of course, because I love fantasy, they're not completely human. They each carry an aspect of me. Of something I wish to be, and of something I am. Some have more of these, some have less.
They're names are Jack, Cody, Oliver and Brandon. This is the order I created them in.
Jack is very tall. The tallest, and created when I was 14 and he's the same age as me. He was created as a friend who could see the future, raised by evangelical parents who tried to cure his fit like visions by sending him to an experimental psychological, resulting in a deep psychological issues, including anxiety attacks, sever mistrust and occasional paranoia. This combined with the visions result in an anxious man, wild around the eyes.
He's tall, six foot six in total with lean build, though inclined to muscle in the last four years. His hair is hay blonde and with wide, blue eyes. A squarish jaw, straight nose, and straight mouth to match, often serious, but with neat white teeth when he does smile.
His visions come in violent, fit-like spams, and he is not to be touched when they happen or he risks losing the vision.
In his teens he was much more anxious, and this seemed only cured by physical activity, including drums and skateboarding. He would avoid friendships with anyone save his sister, often bullied in school. When he was 14, he abandoned the religion of his parents, after making friends with a young group of rockers and punks. He fell in love with music at this time and discovered his skill in drums. Despite this, he still maintains his love for them, and his younger sister Elizabeth. Once moving away to school, and therefore out of their stern hold.
In university he studied to be a doctor, but turned towards psychology. During this time he took time to become more physically fit, taking a few combat courses and gun training. He is skilled with long range weapons and the human art of stealth when he wants to. While studying for his Masters (at the age of 22/23), he had a psychotic break and was forced to take a years absence from his work. During this time he found it difficult to leave home or the security of the other three friends. He has returned to school part time.
Jack is interesting, in my imaginary interactions with him, its almost always platonic, and, more often then not, I am more protective of him than he is of I, but of the four he has the greatest potential for leadership, his mental illness being the only thing holding him back. The other three, especially Cody, guard him fiercely and his skill is the most unspoken of, for risk of its discovery.
When I feel fearful and scared and suffer from psychological breaks my self, its his over arching plot path that becomes the most disrupted. Yet it is he who comforts me when I'm mentally lost and alone. If he can get through it, with everything he's been put through, then I can. I have someone who needs me to be strong because they need to keep going because of it.
My trust is most reflected in Jack. I don't trust immediately and it may seem that I do, but I don't completely. My deepest secret is his deepest secret and we share it only with those we know the most and know won't break us.
As I've grown, Jack has gotten better about his anxieties, and his problems are as much a problem as mine. He's a reminder I need to take care of my self, but in the right way. Trust when its right, and my humanity. To struggle against things I think are wrong, and to watch and listen, for it is watching and listening that Jack does best. He's the one I go to in trapped situations, because for him there is no escape. He can either panic or figure a way out and it needs to be the same way for me.
Jack is the most of me, the most deepest of my insides.
I write, this is clear enough, but why did I get into writing?
It was usually to deal with some aspect of my life I found overwhelming in my head; an event to come, a new job, traveling somewhere, sadness, exploring my own metal state, and loneliness.
I didn't do it though, by writing a best seller, but by developing characters, that are, for all intensive purposes, imaginary friends. I use them in all sorts of stories. Fan fiction, my own stories, novels and various day to day imaginings.
I never expected to carry these characters along with me, nor did I expect them to help me through my troubles. With them, I can project ideas and imagine how they would react. Bounce ideas off them. Or I can use them in novels, where I don't want to be the only one in on the adventure. Of course, because I love fantasy, they're not completely human. They each carry an aspect of me. Of something I wish to be, and of something I am. Some have more of these, some have less.
 |
| Clockwise from the top: Cody, Oliver, Brandon, and Jack. Not all descriptions apply. |
Jack is very tall. The tallest, and created when I was 14 and he's the same age as me. He was created as a friend who could see the future, raised by evangelical parents who tried to cure his fit like visions by sending him to an experimental psychological, resulting in a deep psychological issues, including anxiety attacks, sever mistrust and occasional paranoia. This combined with the visions result in an anxious man, wild around the eyes.
He's tall, six foot six in total with lean build, though inclined to muscle in the last four years. His hair is hay blonde and with wide, blue eyes. A squarish jaw, straight nose, and straight mouth to match, often serious, but with neat white teeth when he does smile.
His visions come in violent, fit-like spams, and he is not to be touched when they happen or he risks losing the vision.
In his teens he was much more anxious, and this seemed only cured by physical activity, including drums and skateboarding. He would avoid friendships with anyone save his sister, often bullied in school. When he was 14, he abandoned the religion of his parents, after making friends with a young group of rockers and punks. He fell in love with music at this time and discovered his skill in drums. Despite this, he still maintains his love for them, and his younger sister Elizabeth. Once moving away to school, and therefore out of their stern hold.
In university he studied to be a doctor, but turned towards psychology. During this time he took time to become more physically fit, taking a few combat courses and gun training. He is skilled with long range weapons and the human art of stealth when he wants to. While studying for his Masters (at the age of 22/23), he had a psychotic break and was forced to take a years absence from his work. During this time he found it difficult to leave home or the security of the other three friends. He has returned to school part time.
Jack is interesting, in my imaginary interactions with him, its almost always platonic, and, more often then not, I am more protective of him than he is of I, but of the four he has the greatest potential for leadership, his mental illness being the only thing holding him back. The other three, especially Cody, guard him fiercely and his skill is the most unspoken of, for risk of its discovery.
When I feel fearful and scared and suffer from psychological breaks my self, its his over arching plot path that becomes the most disrupted. Yet it is he who comforts me when I'm mentally lost and alone. If he can get through it, with everything he's been put through, then I can. I have someone who needs me to be strong because they need to keep going because of it.
My trust is most reflected in Jack. I don't trust immediately and it may seem that I do, but I don't completely. My deepest secret is his deepest secret and we share it only with those we know the most and know won't break us.
As I've grown, Jack has gotten better about his anxieties, and his problems are as much a problem as mine. He's a reminder I need to take care of my self, but in the right way. Trust when its right, and my humanity. To struggle against things I think are wrong, and to watch and listen, for it is watching and listening that Jack does best. He's the one I go to in trapped situations, because for him there is no escape. He can either panic or figure a way out and it needs to be the same way for me.
Jack is the most of me, the most deepest of my insides.
Thursday, 29 May 2014
Night x
I went away for the night. To the big city. It was nice, though anxious. The last time I went to this city on a bus, I was taking a plane and the plane lead to this last year of troubles.
It wasn't bad, but I immediately found that I am no longer a city person. My desire to lie on grass, sit beside a bubbling river and listen to the wind in the trees was over whelming. But I had instead only to look at concrete walls and hundreds of loveless faces.
Of course old buildings are magical and beautiful. Of course when the sun hits the white marble, Neo-classical building side I'm supposed to be captured by its beauty and marvel at human ingenuity. But it was only for a second. It left a hole in me afterwards. Where's the fresh air? The clear water? Where are the mountains, dominating the skyline, making sure we know that we are human and can achieve more than a fat bank account.
I got to hear from him. Its been 13 days. The first stretch was agony. I was not myself and struggled to control impulsive messaging. Not to mention that I cried at the drop of a hat. Keeping it together has been work. Its still work and when I was in the city, it was nice not having to worry about where I walked. I could even message, about nothing heavily personal, just comic books and such but it was enough for me then. My smile was that of a patient, nearly zen woman, who could stand the test of a few more weeks.
I guess I'm that way now, but being back only brings reminders of what I feel I'm missing.
I had a big empty bed all to myself there, as I do here, and I couldn't help but immediately think of him. Not of sex, but rather of quiet holdings. Of soft touches and low mumbled words before tickles ensue.
The struggle we're both facing is different from each other. Patience and strength are my lessons, the last stretch of it, while strength and courage are his.
He sent me something that keeps my hopes up. It was not the day conversation, quiet and nothing particular. It was the message at 11:53 pm. Night x.
Did you miss me? Did you think of me in the big empty bed, away from the world, where we don't have to worry about running into someone? Where all our struggles are put aside for a deep breath of peace. It wasn't until the early hours of morning that I got the message, but it was nevertheless a warm ray of sunshine on a grey city day.
Strength and patience. The thing you need most is a soft place to land when all this is over and it cannot be done if my strength doesn't hold. So many people have given up on you, failed and abandoned and I won't. I can't.
My strength won't hold if I see you, I know that. I'll melt into a puddle. Not because I'm not strong, but around you I can be myself most. You and me get to share our truthful selves and that's pretty beautiful.
But right now, I miss you.
It wasn't bad, but I immediately found that I am no longer a city person. My desire to lie on grass, sit beside a bubbling river and listen to the wind in the trees was over whelming. But I had instead only to look at concrete walls and hundreds of loveless faces.
Of course old buildings are magical and beautiful. Of course when the sun hits the white marble, Neo-classical building side I'm supposed to be captured by its beauty and marvel at human ingenuity. But it was only for a second. It left a hole in me afterwards. Where's the fresh air? The clear water? Where are the mountains, dominating the skyline, making sure we know that we are human and can achieve more than a fat bank account.
I got to hear from him. Its been 13 days. The first stretch was agony. I was not myself and struggled to control impulsive messaging. Not to mention that I cried at the drop of a hat. Keeping it together has been work. Its still work and when I was in the city, it was nice not having to worry about where I walked. I could even message, about nothing heavily personal, just comic books and such but it was enough for me then. My smile was that of a patient, nearly zen woman, who could stand the test of a few more weeks.
I guess I'm that way now, but being back only brings reminders of what I feel I'm missing.
I had a big empty bed all to myself there, as I do here, and I couldn't help but immediately think of him. Not of sex, but rather of quiet holdings. Of soft touches and low mumbled words before tickles ensue.
The struggle we're both facing is different from each other. Patience and strength are my lessons, the last stretch of it, while strength and courage are his.
He sent me something that keeps my hopes up. It was not the day conversation, quiet and nothing particular. It was the message at 11:53 pm. Night x.
Did you miss me? Did you think of me in the big empty bed, away from the world, where we don't have to worry about running into someone? Where all our struggles are put aside for a deep breath of peace. It wasn't until the early hours of morning that I got the message, but it was nevertheless a warm ray of sunshine on a grey city day.
Strength and patience. The thing you need most is a soft place to land when all this is over and it cannot be done if my strength doesn't hold. So many people have given up on you, failed and abandoned and I won't. I can't.
My strength won't hold if I see you, I know that. I'll melt into a puddle. Not because I'm not strong, but around you I can be myself most. You and me get to share our truthful selves and that's pretty beautiful.
But right now, I miss you.
Friday, 23 May 2014
Last Week I Went On A Date
I went on a date a week ago today.
I feel like I should discuss something positive here. Nothing flowery. Nothing full of longing and despair. I will discuss all the great things for the next two weeks following.
As always, it involves a touch of stealth. Can't be found out yet. Not yet but soon. We met and decided to go about a half hour outside of the main town. He was going to take me to this burger joint over looking the valleys and lochs.
We held hands the whole way, chatted and discussed how things were.
We arrived, but it turns out the burger joint was closed, not quite ready for the season yet. Luckily I made sandwiches, avocado, bacon and cheese and we enjoyed a sweet kiss afterwards. No. Not sweet, the greatest kiss. A kiss I hadn't experienced since last July.
Part way back we stopped off in a pub, shared a pint or two, another amazing kiss. We played pool, chatted to people with no fear. Not a fear of getting caught or found. I was free for a moment. The way he touched the nape of my neck, smooth, gentle touches. When we needed to go, he kissed the top of my head, and we pinky swore to it.
I wanted to give a good day. No tears. No sadness. A glimpse for him, of what it would be like.
Your the one I want.
I feel like I should discuss something positive here. Nothing flowery. Nothing full of longing and despair. I will discuss all the great things for the next two weeks following.
As always, it involves a touch of stealth. Can't be found out yet. Not yet but soon. We met and decided to go about a half hour outside of the main town. He was going to take me to this burger joint over looking the valleys and lochs.
We held hands the whole way, chatted and discussed how things were.
We arrived, but it turns out the burger joint was closed, not quite ready for the season yet. Luckily I made sandwiches, avocado, bacon and cheese and we enjoyed a sweet kiss afterwards. No. Not sweet, the greatest kiss. A kiss I hadn't experienced since last July.
Part way back we stopped off in a pub, shared a pint or two, another amazing kiss. We played pool, chatted to people with no fear. Not a fear of getting caught or found. I was free for a moment. The way he touched the nape of my neck, smooth, gentle touches. When we needed to go, he kissed the top of my head, and we pinky swore to it.
I wanted to give a good day. No tears. No sadness. A glimpse for him, of what it would be like.
It wasn't
going to be easy and you knew this. You knew this from the start. You knew,
that the end would be the hardest part, for you have to watch him struggle
through this as much as you, but apart. You each have to fight your own battle.
Yours in patience, true patience for something great. And for him… truth? Strength?
Understanding? You cannon know until he tells you. You have to trust him and
hope he trusts you.
Your the one I want.
Saturday, 17 May 2014
This is Your Start
Three weeks. Three weeks.
It feels like an age.
I have every hope and trust, but I have fear and envy clawing at my heart.
You don't have to hope.
I know. I know, from that sweet gift you gave my mouth.From the smooth touch of your hand. From the words you've whispered endlessly to me over the last three weeks.
I'm relying on those around me to keep my spirits up, to keep my chin from my chest. Of course the tears will come. Longing is painful and waiting is hard, especially
Did you think this would happen to me? Did you think at the start, through all that pain? Did you think I would get a chance? Maybe I did believe. I knew I suppose. I makes me happy, teary to think of what's to come. To think of the shot I get at love.
Of course the final stretch is the hardest, with the goal just in sight. With my heart just right.
Love is always worth it. You are always worth it.
It feels like an age.
I have every hope and trust, but I have fear and envy clawing at my heart.
You don't have to hope.
I know. I know, from that sweet gift you gave my mouth.From the smooth touch of your hand. From the words you've whispered endlessly to me over the last three weeks.
I'm relying on those around me to keep my spirits up, to keep my chin from my chest. Of course the tears will come. Longing is painful and waiting is hard, especially
Did you think this would happen to me? Did you think at the start, through all that pain? Did you think I would get a chance? Maybe I did believe. I knew I suppose. I makes me happy, teary to think of what's to come. To think of the shot I get at love.
Of course the final stretch is the hardest, with the goal just in sight. With my heart just right.
Love is always worth it. You are always worth it.
Tuesday, 13 May 2014
Magic, Shake, Light
Your song to me.
The Fire in my Belly
The Song to keep me going.
Magic
Call it magic
Call it true
I call it magic
When I'm with you
And I just got broken
Broken into two
Still I call it magic
When I'm next to you
And I don't and I don't and I don't and I don't
No, I don't it's true
I don't, no I don't, no I don't, no I don't
Want anybody else but you
I don't, no I don't, no I don't, no I don't
No, I don't it's true
I don't, no I don't, no I don't, no I don't
Want anybody else but you
Call it magic
Cut me into two
And with all your magic
I disappear from view
And I can't get over
Can't get over you
Still I call it magic
Such a precious jewel
And I don't and I don't and I don't and I don't
No, I don't it's true
I don't, no I don't, no I don't, no I don't
Want anybody else but you
I don't, no I don't, no I don't, no I don't
No, I don't it's true
I don't, no I don't, no I don't, no I don't
Want anybody else but you
Want to fall, fall so far
I want to fall, fall so hard
And I call it magic
And I call it true
I call it magic
And if you were to ask me
After all that we've been through
Still believe in magic?
Yes, I do
Of course I do
No Light, No Light
You are the hole in my head
You are the space in my bed
You are the silence in between
What I thought and what I said
You are the night time fear
You are the morning when it's clear
When it's over you're the start
You're my head, you're my heart
No light, no light in your bright blue eyes
I never knew daylight could be so violent
A revelation in the light of day
You can't choose what stays and what fades away
And I'd do anything to make you stay
No light, no light
No light
Tell me what you want me to say
Through the crowd, I was crying out
And in your place there were a thousand other faces
I was disappearing in plain sight
Heaven help me, I need to make it right
You want a revelation,
You wanna get it right
But it's a conversation,
I just can't have tonight
You want a revelation
Some kind of resolution
You want a revelation
No light, no light in your bright blue eyes
I never knew daylight could be so violent
A revelation in the light of day,
You can't choose what stays and what fades away
And I'd do anything to make you stay
No light, no light
No light
Tell me what you want me to say
Would you leave me,
If I told you what I've done?
And would you need me,
If I told you what I've become?
'Cause it's so easy,
To say it to a crowd
But it's so hard, my love,
To say it to you out loud
No light, no light in your bright blue eyes
I never knew daylight could be so violent
A revelation in the light of day,
You can't choose what stays and what fades away
Shake it Out
Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn
And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
Our love is pastured, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh
whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh
whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh
whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh
whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn
Oh whoa, oh whoa...
And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me, yeah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh
whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh
whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh
whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh
whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
Monday, 5 May 2014
The Sun
Its like rain and sun.
I like rain, but it can't be rain every day.
I promise not to burn you.
I know it now. You're the one I want to be with. You don't need to worry about hoping anymore. I'll be there [taps my heart], through the last of the fire. I promise, then we can be together.
I know it. I know this feeling.
I like rain, but it can't be rain every day.
I promise not to burn you.
I know it now. You're the one I want to be with. You don't need to worry about hoping anymore. I'll be there [taps my heart], through the last of the fire. I promise, then we can be together.
I know it. I know this feeling.
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