Night x

I went away for the night. To the big city. It was nice, though anxious. The last time I went to this city on a bus, I was taking a plane and the plane lead to this last year of troubles.

It wasn't bad, but I immediately found that I am no longer a city person. My desire to lie on grass, sit beside a bubbling river and listen to the wind in the trees was over whelming. But I had instead only to look at concrete walls and hundreds of loveless faces.

Of course old buildings are magical and beautiful. Of course when the sun hits the white marble, Neo-classical building side I'm supposed to be captured by its beauty and marvel at human ingenuity. But it was only for a second. It left a hole in me afterwards. Where's the fresh air? The clear water? Where are the mountains, dominating the skyline, making sure we know that we are human and can achieve more than a fat bank account.

I got to hear from him. Its been 13 days. The first stretch was agony. I was not myself and struggled to control impulsive messaging. Not to mention that I cried at the drop of a hat. Keeping it together has been work. Its still work and when I was in the city, it was nice not having to worry about where I walked. I could even message, about nothing heavily personal, just comic books and such but it was enough for me then. My smile was that of a patient, nearly zen woman, who could stand the test of a few more weeks.

I guess I'm that way now, but being back only brings reminders of what I feel I'm missing.

I had a big empty bed all to myself there, as I do here, and I couldn't help but immediately think of him. Not of sex, but rather of quiet holdings. Of soft touches and low mumbled words before tickles ensue.

The struggle we're both facing is different from each other. Patience and strength are my lessons, the last stretch of it, while strength and courage are his.

He sent me something that keeps my hopes up. It was not the day conversation, quiet and nothing particular. It was the message at 11:53 pm. Night x.

Did you miss me? Did you think of me in the big empty bed, away from the world, where we don't have to worry about running into someone? Where all our struggles are put aside for a deep breath of peace. It wasn't until the early hours of morning that I got the message, but it was nevertheless a warm ray of sunshine on a grey city day.

Strength and patience. The thing you need most is a soft place to land when all this is over and it cannot be done if my strength doesn't hold. So many people have given up on you, failed and abandoned and I won't. I can't.

My strength won't hold if I see you, I know that. I'll melt into a puddle. Not because I'm not strong, but around you I can be myself most. You and me get to share our truthful selves and that's pretty beautiful.

But right now, I miss you.