Bahumbug.... Sort of

For once I write here not directing my unhappiness towards a very particular person. He and I are beyond happy. I am lucky in that regard.

I have a festive niggle I have to get off my chest.

It revolves around a tree, as most Yultide problems in my family do.

I'll go towards the tree itself. I live in the hostel and we usually put up a tree, most people being Christian oriented (though not practicing). This year, no one put up a tree. It was the 21st of December and no one had fetched a tree. No one had called, no one had gone up the hill. They had spent their nights drinking and drinking. I came back from Holiday back home in Canada, no tree, just a mess. I came back from holiday out East in Aberdeenshire, no tree.

So, there has been this scrawny little thing in the middle of the yard blinking at me for well over a year and a half. It was cramped in a small pot.

The little fur in the pot.

I brought it in and decorated the wee thing, excited and proud that we would have a little tree for Christmas. I suppose I was proud that I'd taken initiative. And after, I AM going to re plant it on the hill behind us.

The end result was a Charlie Brown job.

But everyone just kind of made fun of it. "Come on, its too scrawny. Too sad. Pathetic."

I was really hurt by this. I adamantly defended the tree, but on the 23rd of December, the Manager above me ordered a new one pointing out that it needed to be up to be paid for, yet at no point had he offered to cancel it when he said he'd ordered it a few days ago.

Perhaps i'm being bahumbugy, but I tend that way around this time of year. I'm far away from home and Christmas is a time for me when we think of others. Perhaps my staff had different expectations. Perhaps my staff are sad and lonely. Yet I feel like they were thoughtless comments and actions. It hurt, and I clearly said and expressed how I felt, and still the other tree was put up. It just kinda hurt.

Sometimes I think around Christmas People don't think either. They don't think to ask and I feel guilty for getting a thing I immediately know I will never touch again. They mean so well and yet I have no desire to keep this thing, to have it at all. I would have been happy with nothing at all because the few things I said I needed, I actually have to go shop for now. Perhaps its me being selfish.

Things. We focus way to much on things instead of being together, and it seems its very much engrained in me. C'est La Vie.

Thinking about it now though, I was fortunate enough to have two other Christmases and the thing I liked about both of them was the food and the sitting together and enjoying each others company. I should let it pass and think myself lucky. I have the best present this year. I have the love I've longed for above all things, safe arms to go to and no more fear.

Happy Holidays and I hope you are with people who love you.

0. The Drop

I had a complete breakdown yesterday.

It lasted nearly 6 hours.

Exhausted at the end, I called someone and realized what I'd just been through. I have not bottled something up like that for a very long time. Well over a year. Not since I lived at home alone.

I used to do it often, or more often then I thought, which makes me think I should have seen it coming. In a  way I did. I needed a cry, a book and some tea. I didn't realize how extensive the cry was though.

I held everything back when my mother came. I didn't want her to see me distressed about the last stretch, because I had so much to be happy for. I held everything back when I visited my sister, because I didn't want her to see me distressed about the last stretch, because I have so much o be happy for. I didn't cry some days, because the urge to do so came right before I started work, or I just wanted to go to bed, or I had such a short time with the one person I could, that I wanted it to b happy for both. But I held everything back.

I can see how I did it too. I've been walling myself off from everyone, scared to see and speak to people, venture beyond a certain point in the town. I've been injecting my brain with lectures and pod casts, new music and junk television in an effort to improve my mood, or to keep off a bad one. If I'm not thinking about it, it can't happen.

The signs were there too. Isolation, lack of focus on anything productive and the inability to write. That's always a bad sign. It comes out sporadically, and unfocused. I can't seem to fix on an idea or plot at all. If my writing doesn't work then I'm lost. I couldn't even draw, Which is usually my back up outlet.

But I knew it had to, and with time to myself and away from everyone, my mind slowly unraveled and the weight of everything poured down on me.

The first thing I should have done was speak to someone. Anyone, but my fear of judgement comes up when I'm feeling my lowest, so I didn't want to speak to anyone for risk of further "Attack" when they probably would have helped me. I went through anger, terror and it was all directed at myself. I was ruining everything with my "stupid emotions", who only wanted to speak to someone. I hated me and felt ugly, scrawny and stupid.

It was an utter deterioration of myself.

It was a long time coming, in someways. I needed to pass through it, though I certainly wish it had been so much less savage. I was a cornered dog, biting and snapping with out thought, until I'd bitten my self enough to realize this was fruitless.

Settling, I called someone and they walked me through how exciting everything was about to be, and that they understood this was coming, and that I had every right to feel some of these feelings. I went through the list of things to be excited about.

I am still frustrated at the timing of it, and for the fact that I let it kind of fall out of me. But I think those things can be resolved with speaking and in two weeks, perhaps even resolved.

This morning I've rebuilt. While it is as cold as balls in this place, I'm going to sit down stairs. I'm going to ease myself into socializing and I'm going to write some novel.

2. Raised by Captain America and the Bitter Dual Nature of the Now.

I don't think you are superman. I think you are Captain America. The title is a farce of course. You wish to be superman, indestructible, god like, morally sure of his actions and able to follow through. Captain America suits you better. He is structured with flaws, which he over comes with his kindness and a sort of thoughtfulness that looks out for others around him. He is the man we wish to be, chosen for our morals and not born into something so grand. He made who he was with his heart, for his all that, flaws and all.

Insight, struggle and I understand why you wished for so long to be on your own.

After speaking with you, I feel enlightened, with a touch of insight.

I am fortunate. All my life I have had supportive family and friends, even when I didn't think they were being so, they were always looking out for me and wanting me to be so happy.

You, I feel you've faced something so much harder then I and its your determination to remain good, honest and truthful is what I find so admirable. You are a hero to yourself, more than comic could come up with. The incredibly, you find yourself coming to the truth. Your softness is an admirable quality.

I want you not to worry with me. I just want care and love, to know that you're feelings will be returned.

....

But this is also the last two days, where my heart remains strangled in agony. It was you who used the word once to describe it. I wouldn't be able to do this were it not for you, but how my heart hurts when your not with me. When I can't be with you. Not allowed, hidden pushed and locked away.

I've wanted to cry all evening. I'm so close to the end. Only two sleeps. But it does not change how the now feels, and how much junk I have to pump into my mind to make me stand up right and smile at a stranger. I feel useless, stripped and ugly in these moments. Nothing is right on my body. Nothing is right in my body.

I've been hunted by half a handful of others too, and all I want is to fall back and feel protected, safe with you. I want to say I am not yours to hunt. Leave me be. But I have to find other ways. Lies upon lies. It all tastes stale on my tongue.

Strangled and hidden in a cupboard. I hold every faith in you, but I've been hurting for so long. It will take a bit of time before my cynicism subsides.

I hope the I'll stop feeling sick in the evenings, ill from the stress. I miss you.

12.

I was going to be angry in this post. I was going to rage. I was going to be infuriated.

But I cannot.

Its what I think I want. It wouldn't help. I would only feel ashamed.

My day started out alright and slid towards poorly. I shed tears and begged to see a change. The agony of being denied you. We are both suffering and I know this. I should be able to bear this better. Yet I cannot help it. I am the making of the wind that batters this house.

There's just one thing instead ringing over and over in my head.

As desperate as I feel, for the sound of your voice, for the touch of your hand, for the warm embrace. As desperate as I am for you to sing and thing you're terrible when you're not. As desperate as I am for your kiss and kindness.

More than sleeping next to you. More than a hug, more than being held. More than water or food right now. More than sleep. More than a room of ones own. More than all these things, there's just one thing.

I just want to say, I love you.

17. Luck

When its only my pen that will help.

I've been chewing my lip, so to speak. Building the fortress of my own anxiety. I have so much to be ready for. So much to be excited for. I dig my own hole. Its only out of tiredness, out of frustration. Its been a long year, and though its had the most wonderful moments, there have more hard ones than I can count.

Its near the end. I need to be a stronger person and understand these last few days. These last few days are the final end. The test of a long journey. I said before, that no story is beautiful. Its easy to see it that way from the safety of its pages, but it is savage, heart wrenching. It is the truth. It is the truest way of life. We are people. We are people who love and we are people who are loved. We are the lucky ones.

We are the ones who are put into books. Who love the great loves and be as we are, happy and ourselves. 

I have less than three weeks. If I think about it, if I didn't know, I wouldn't be impatient. But I am. 

Yet at the same time I'm in this weird limbo. I'm about to start something normal. Something epic. Something that may last the course of my life. Its daunting. Its the idea of achieving something amazing and beautiful. Its about to be normal! It's about to be something I can speak and talk about. Something I can have pride in. Something I can share with others. Someone. I am about to have someone in my life. I'm about to go through things I've only read about.

The last year has proven something to me. Has shown that there is someone out there, worth it. Worth the work and love. That someone out there needed me, someone needed my love, and that my love changed them. 

It did. Patience is a virtue, as I have always been taught. Its taught me, and taught others. Trust. Patience and Love. I have these things. 

28 and the Sadness in Other's Hearts.

I wish I could help everyone.

I wish I could, but I know I cannot. My help isn't always as helpful as they feel they need or want. Some people want from me just sex. Some people want a friend. Some people want to be more than that.

The sex one is easy. Its not something to give away, and often its the most easily dealt with.

The friend seems easy. Its easy to be friends. But for me, I can be weary of how much I give a friend. Some people require a lot of effort, and though we love them as friends we know they drain us, and that its important to put some distance so the enjoyable parts of the friendship don't suffer for it.

Some people want to be friends, and I want to be their friend.

Its hard then, because often, my mannerisms are seen as flirtatious, or they just connect because I want to be their friend.

I remember when I was young and I don't really recall a time when rejecting a friend was something easy. When you do this, you're risking the loss of a friendship. Its something important and I'm so sad when it happens.

Some people want to be more than that. Its something I cannot offer, save for one.

Its only... 38

It's Only....

Its only a few days. It's only a few weeks. Broken down things do seem so much smaller. Or do they add to the weight of the whole? Is a bird still just a bird when you account for all its feathers, all the strands in its feathers, all its cells? Yes. It doesn't change that its a bird. It can alter the perspective of what makes a bird, but it doesn't change the fact that it still sings and flies.

Let's see if I can break the Five weeks down it to bite sized chunks.

12.5 days worth of freedom for me. 12 phone calls.

That's 5 banking days. 5 busy mornings.

1 inspection. A visit from the boss and maybe focus my mind on work. I drift more when I'm anxious and it's much harder to work and socialize than it usually is. I do socialize, but its strained.

2 new staff.

One excellent gift.

8 days with my mother.

One trip away North.

One trip camping.

4 day trip to see my sister.

1 visit.

1 full celebration.

1 empty celebration.

30 morning cries of the steam train.

38 sleeps.

The day before.

The day after.

The days after.

Its the thought of the day after, and the days after, that keep my head and my heart together. The smiles it will bring. The warmth, truth and freedom. Your little whispers to me, through our fingers. The quick engage and I know for a moment that there's only a hazy world consisting of you and me. That we're touching each other's hearts, trying hold them, keep them safe in warm when bitter winds threaten to chill.

You are my favourite person. You are the one I dream and whisper for in the night. You're the warm wind in my hair. You're sun on my back and the rain on my nose. You're the purple heather, the green grouse, the golden leaves, the red grass. You're the stillness on the water. The sparkle in my eye :)