I Don't Know

It starts off with everyone and I am happy. But slow reminders start bringing up the pain between us. I can see the pain in him and he can see the pain in me.

I'm so scared I'm going to miss out on someone really amazing.

You're eye are so sad.

You carry everyone's pain in your heart. And it tries to break free with your tears. I want to hear your voice, sweet voice and you have a smell that warmed my heart. I can read your thoughts through your eyes, just as you can read mine and I see pain and kindness twisted into confusion.

All I want to do is help. All I want to do is help.

Writing, in all of this gives me clarity, or the closest thing I can get to clarity.

I am in a happy place. Starting anew. So start.

I was better yesterday. I had it together. But its slipping again. Its a little less. I'm not going to cry, by my belly burns and my heart aches. I know what I want. I know what I want. I know what I want, but it will just take time and I need to keep up my hope. Smile, be there, try not to cling. It will all be okay.

Don't Burn to hard. Hold it together.

I can't get away from it. Please, Christ make it stop.

Tired

I wake up beside myself. All my being is tired, and everything from the inside hurts. I'm not hungry. The thought of food makes me sick. Water? Maybe. I need to do something. Pacing, hunting for little things. What happened? How did this get this way? I need out. I need purpose. Go there. Doesn't matter what awaits. Go there. I go, and free from watching eyes, I break the dam and let tears fall at long last.

The walk cools the fervor of my emotions. Endorphins. They settle and my purpose aids the motion forward. Sadness departs. When I'm there, it's gone and I'm just left with simple anxiety.

How did it get this way. I wonder as the red door slides open. I want my knees to fold and break down completely. I want to scream help from the ends of my unwashed hair.

My body just shakes instead, wishing all the words would come spilling out. This is the one time they won't all come out. Instead I revert to control again. I am solid, like the shell of an egg. But those tears come and I just want to fold, unravel my being and let the thread spill about me on the floor.

I am at peace, settled. Everything eases, and the quiet becomes my friend again.

Then I feel it, the need to leave. Obligations were made. A long time decision. Anxiety stirs in me and I fill with silent dread. I snuff that, replacing it with a fast gathering, savoring peace like a starving person.

I snatch up memories with each corner. It brings about a weak smile. Don't go. Please. Tell me nice things, about you and tell me when you'll be back.

The last departure and I'm left scared and wishing that you'd turn the car around. Come back. I promise it will be good. But this isn't the way it happens. I'm left moving up hill, savoring, using the freshly gathered happiness supplies.

As the day wears on, the structure of my being finds it hard to smile and hold up conversation. I need sleep. I need someone to tell me it will all be okay again. At least I'm not alone. At least…

How is this worse feeling than before. Perhaps I think too much with all my heart. I'm so ready to throw my guards down.  Somehow its only the hills that keep me whole.

Why am I still awake. Kindness. Work. All I want is to sleep through everything. Sleep will bring peace. Let me sleep. Please. please…

…I wish I'd never left this place…

Jack In the Castle

This is not Oliver. Oliver is indisposed. He found Allie. But it was not the way he wanted.

He's heartbroken. He loves Allie so much, and he's such a good person.

It woke me up too, seeing him suddenly so sad. For three months I've been locked in the struggles of my own mind, with Oliver trying to pull me out and I didn't want to come out. It wasn't until seeing him so sad that I wanted to snap out of it and help him.

So today we went to Heidelberg and it helped Oliver immensely. Its very fun to travel with someone. We went all over the Old City and had lunch out while listening to buskers. I liked it. It's helping me a lot.

Das is all for now. Prost.


Jack.

Oliver - Shipping Out

So, three months of Jack's nuttiness and he's just about ready to go. I'm excited to go out on this trip. I'm going to see Ian which will be nice. I have no doubt I'll see Allie at some point. I'm less then excited then I thought I'd be. I'm anxious.

Jack and I are packed though. Jack's been filling and refilling his bag, making sure he didn't fit to much or didn't stuff in to little. Jack's traveled with Cody, but it always feels a little different with Cody. He moves instantly, so the glory of arrival is off set by how quick it is. We get to go through Jetlag this time and smelly cramped cabins with bad food and worse leg space. Actually, I'd forgotten about how damn tall Jack is and how cramped the leg space will be for him. I'm pretty sure we are no where near an emergency exit. Ah well.

I'll be happy to see the family grave when we're over there.

I'm really hoping this helps Jack too. He's got issues out the ring piece and I think being out of the cycle of school, the apartment and everything will help him immensely. Hopefully.

That's all for today.
----  Oliver

Past tale - Cody

The story of how Cody adopted his sisters.

            “Where is he?”

            “Rosie is in the hospital.”

            “What? What happened?”

           

            Rosie was hungry. It was her day off from school and she was hungry. Mommy was sleeping, daddy was at work, Jenny was at school and Cody was out that week with his friends. She could call him but she didn’t want the noise to wake mommy. When she poured the tomato soup to the edge, using the old stool to the edge of the pre-heated stove, she made sure she had an oven mitten, like Jenny and Cody did.

            Distantly mommy snorted with the scrapping against the stove. Mommy had a big bottle today, the one with the word polar across it.

            Rosie picked up her book, a present from Cody when he came back from school.

            The stove hissed spitting red tomato paste.

            Rosie’s little five year old arms shook as she tried to move the pot.

           

            Jenny came through the doors, ushering her boy friend on in what was to be their six month anniversary. “Do you want something to drink Sam?” She asked, slipping off her beaded flats.

            “Uh,” His sixteen year old voice pitched for a second in anxiety. Jenny tucked her sweater in her arm, then paused, sniffing deep.

            “Does something sound like its burning?” She asked, looking at Sam for a second before rushing out to the kitchen, quickly followed by her concerned boyfriend. “ROSIE!” Jenny screamed at the sight of her little sister, lying on the floor. A pot was lulling back and forth on the floor, tomato soup still warm against her toes. Rosie’s black curls drenched in soup with a thick bloody line across her for head, was unconscious. “Oh my god Rosie.” Jenny turned over her shoulder. “Sam get my phone.”

            “Should I call 911?” He panicked for a second at the sight of the crisis.

            “No,” Jenny pressed back the urge to cry. “Get the phone now!”

            Sam hurried out, into the hall where Jenny had tossed her purse. He fumbled between the lip gloss and the tampons until the sleek little phone slipped into his damp hand. Bringing out it to Jenny, she was brushing away the soup. “What do I call?”

            “Press four.”

            His finger pressed the button, instantly dialling. “Who’s gonna—“

            “Hello?” A voice on the other end answered, concerned but there was a sigh of tried in the corners.

            “Uh. Hello?”

            The voice became serious. “Who is this?”

            “Sam I—“

            “This is a private line. I don’t know how you got a hold of it but—“

            “CODY!” Jenny yelled from the floor.

            The voice froze. “Listen, Cody, I’m Jenny’s boyfriend, her sister is hurt. There was an accident. I-uh... Jenny told me to call the number.”

            “Okay I’ll be right there.”

            The line went dead.

            “Who was that?”

            “Sorry,” A boy came staggering in, tugging up his pants, lacquered in tattoos and rings. “Rosie!” He rushed past Sam, to his little sister.

            “Who is this?” Sam asked.

            “Not important,” The young man scooped Rosie up in his arms. “Jenny,” he looked to me. “Sam? Hold on to my shoulder.”

            The strong authority, and the confidence his girlfriend showed in him, brought Sam to put his hand on his shoulder. A blink of his eye and there stood the shine of the city hospital.

           

            Cody brought his little sister into immerge, followed by his sister and her boy friend that he still had to meet. The nurse was sitting at the table, her little eyes growing at the sight of the group. “What on—“

            “She’s hurt, please. We found her on the floor of the kitchen like this.”

            Numbers were pressed and a bed came rolling out.

            The nurse handed Cody a clip board of question he filled out very quickly, pulling Rosie’s health card out of his back pocket. “So are you the guardian? Or the parent?”

            He shook his head, “No I’m her brother.”

            The nurse gave a sceptical notice, before following the gurney into the protective room where they would repair her.

            “Will she be okay?” Jenny squeezed his arm, in the way she did when she was little and scared.

            “Yeah...” he looked at the swinging window. “Stay here for a second; I need to use the washroom.”
            Jenny and her boy friend sat at the waiting seats, as Cody made his way quickly to the washroom, entering one of the stalls, barely having the door locked before he teleported to the front door of his parent’s home. “Mom?” He called, reluctantly. A distant snort made him realize she was in the bathroom. No, he wasn’t going there. He picked up the pot off the floor, teleporting up to Rosie’s bed room and picking up her book and toys, putting them in her red back pack. He grabbed Jenny’s magazine and made sure he threw some food in the bag, before returning to the bathroom. As he exited the bathroom, he passed the bag to Jenny, saying, “Jenny, hold this. I have a call to make.” Cody snapped open his cell, pressing one. “Hey Brandon. Yeah, no its Rosie. A bit of one yeah. No, she should be okay. Well I think I need a lawyer.”

            Cody, Jenny and Sam sat around the bed as Rosie slept, a big cut across her face. “What did they say?” Jenny asked.

            “She’s got a concussion and a slight crack in her scull but she’ll be okay. A few days of rest is all.” He held her little hand in his, thinking to how much she had grown. Faster than Jenny she was at getting out of dippers but never got tired of those games they played together. “My lawyer is working on the custody too.”

            A nervous smile crept on to Jenny’s face as she grabbed her brother’s hand, giving it a squeeze. “Thank you.”

            Behind them the door was thrown open and a woman in a business suit as well as a police woman stood with the scowling nurse. “Is this Rosie Sulman?” The Social worker said. Cody’s hackles rose, turning to block her from them.

            “What do you want with her?” Cody never liked social workers and one was a cop was worse.

            “Are you Cody Sulman?” The dame in the dress asked. “And Jenny?”

            “Yes,” they both answered. Sam stayed quiet from his chair. Jenny nudged him to stand beside her.

            “I’m Mrs. Smith from social services. We are placing custody over Jenny and Rosie Sulman, after evidence of abuse in the family as well as neglect.” She read the paper but did not look to them. Cody gripped the bed frame bristling.

            “No!” Jenny said first, grabbing his arm, fear washing over her like cold sickness. It was her childhood nightmare’s come true.

            The officer raised her eyebrows in surprise. “I’m sorry young lady but you’ll have to go into the hallway to discuss this.” The nurse said in an adult like fashion.

            “No were not leaving this room and you’re not taking them into your custody.” Cody continued his hold on both his sisters. “I know what happens in your system. You’re not touching them.”

            “I’m sorry Mr. Sulman but this is not negotiable.” The officer stepped forwards pulling both Jenny and Cody by the arm.

He pulled away from the woman. “Don’t touch me!” he snapped, his gut burning. “You’re not taking them!”

A second officer came into the room, a man, much bigger. He took the woman’s place pulling Cody out the door as she picked up jenny and began carrying her. Sam shouted as Jenny screamed, kicking and flailing, using her feet to keep from being pulled out. Tears streamed down her face as she reached out for something.

Cody fought harder, the big guy trying to grab him the same way. He was faster though grabbing Rosie’s bed. But the man pried him off, carrying him in the same way as Jenny was. “LET ME GO!” He roared, tears blurring his own eyes as what he fought to keep together were being torn apart.

The screams and rattles did not go unheard, as Rosie woke up. Cody could see the terror on her face as she saw where she was, the monitor attached to her, and her brother and sister being dragged away fighting from her side. She screamed, kicking away the wires and the monitors only to find them attached. The social worker, rushed to her side with the nurse trying to calm her, the nurse pulling the wires out before she ripped them out.

As Cody fingers gripped the edge of the door, the last wire was pulled. Rosie smacked the nurse in the face diving out of the bed and stumbling on the floor.

Cody kicked the cop hard in the knee, biting his arm at the same time, breaking free of his iron grip.

Rosie jumped into her brother’s arms crying. Tears rolled on to each other’s shoulders. “Don’t leave me,” Rosie cried, heavy child sobs breaking up her voice. “Please don’t leave me.”

Jenny burst into the room, rushing to her brother and throwing her arms around him.

“I’m so sorry girls.” He whispered. “I won’t let go again.” The cops started moving back in the room and he gave them a cold room. “Back off.”

            “What the hell is going on?” A doctor appeared in the door as the social worker and police started towards them again. He spotted Cody and his sisters in the room.

            “Mr. Sulman refuses to let his sister’s fall under custody of social services.” The nurse explained, rubbing the lump on her forehead. “Please help the police to calm them.”

            “Sulman?” The doctor repeated. “No, not in your life.”

            All four adults looked to him in surprise. “These children are victims of abuse and neglect doctor.”

“Not surprising. My wife has been working with Cody and his sisters since Cody was in grade three with her.” He stepped towards them placing a hand on Cody’s shoulder. “As far as I’m concerned, the last thing you should do is pull them apart.”

Cody wanted to speak. “I’ve spent most of my life, from the moment Jenny was born to now, protecting them from my mother and father, making sure they were cared for, making sure that the family that they weren’t taken from me. When your fifteen and you have to hide your baby sister under the bed because your mother will drop her, or when you have to fight your mother to lock the door, or the food from the fridge. The moment you saw that you would have pulled us all into homes, tore what we had apart.” There was a knock at the door. Cody spotted Oliver, Jack and Brandon, and behind them a tall man with a brief case. “And there is my lawyer.”

           

            “So what’s going on?”

            “The nurse, that bitch,” Cody sighed. “I mean I know she’s trying to do the right thing but—“

            Rosie had fallen back asleep after such a stressful moment. Dr. Jones was Ms. Hotly’s husband as it turned out, and was now making Rosie one of his patients.

            “She called mom and dad...” Jenny sighed, hugging her brother once more though. Jenny smiled instead, throwing her arms around her brother. “But he’s got the lawyer and is talking to the cops and the social worker. Thank you.”

            Cody hugged her back. “I’m sorry I didn’t do this sooner.”

            She let go, looking over his shoulder at Hunter.

            “I’m glad for you,” Jack patted him on the back. “It’s going to be good.”

Cody waved, then turned to Jenny again. “But I want to warn you this isn’t going to be easy. I know that mom and dad are going to fight for you guys. Dad has the money.”

            “Don’t you?”

            “I’m borrowing for this,” He paced, then pointed to where Brandon was talking to the lawyer and the social worker. “Brandon is loaning me the money, though it’s not much apparently he saved the lawyer’s butt once.”

            Jenny and Cody walked back over to where Sam was sitting quietly. Cody sat on one side of him. “You like my sister?”

            He looked between Jenny her brother. “Yeah. I really love her.”

            “Cool.” Cody leaned back.

            Sam was surprised. His last girlfriend’s brother had reamed him out. Cody was very casual. It was unnerving. Not just because of the weird superpowers, but because he had never been faced with such a wonderful girl.

But Jenny was special, they had been friends for so long, now they loved each other.

            “Better this way then the system,” Oliver crossed his arms from where he stood, he was very knowledgeable about the system here and helping Cody out as best he could. Jack took the bottle of water from him. “I think it’s going to be hard for them none the less.”

            “Six o’clock guys,” Brandon said.

Cody’s parents came stalking in, followed by social workers and a thick lawyer. Jenny stood instantly as Cody stood. Jack and Oliver stood beside them. A family of friends.

His mom roared over in a ball of furry.

            “Where’s Rose! Where’s my daughter.”

            “Ma’am you can’t go in there.” The officer that stood in front of Rosie’s door stood strong, blocking her path.

            “She’s my daughter.”

            Hunter moved past Cody, “Not any more Ma’am. According to the law, you and your husband no longer have custody of Jenny Sulman or Rosie Sulman.”

            “What?” She roared, looking back at the security worker. “Fix this! Make them mine!”

            “No mom,” Cody folded his arms. “I’m taking custody of both Jenny and Rosie.”

            Hunter raised a folder. The social worker and mom competed to snatch it from him. The security worker got it first, reading quickly. “It’s legal. Cody Sulman is the guardian of these girls.”

            Mom’s face twisted from angry to nice. “That was smart of you. Good boy to protect them from these people.”

            “No,” Cody backed, still able to smell the booze on his mother’s breath. “You’re not aloud near them. Jenny and Rosie don’t need a drunk bum for a mother and a puss of a father.” He made to open her mouth. “Or do I need to explain to these social workers the little scars on my arms from the time you pushed me in glass? Or the various hospital visits. Or why both Jenny and Rosie’s first word was not mommy or daddy but my name. Or when it was my name they called for help every time their mommy and daddy were too busy smashing glass to realize that they were sick, or hungry or had to go to the bathroom?”