Tired

I wake up beside myself. All my being is tired, and everything from the inside hurts. I'm not hungry. The thought of food makes me sick. Water? Maybe. I need to do something. Pacing, hunting for little things. What happened? How did this get this way? I need out. I need purpose. Go there. Doesn't matter what awaits. Go there. I go, and free from watching eyes, I break the dam and let tears fall at long last.

The walk cools the fervor of my emotions. Endorphins. They settle and my purpose aids the motion forward. Sadness departs. When I'm there, it's gone and I'm just left with simple anxiety.

How did it get this way. I wonder as the red door slides open. I want my knees to fold and break down completely. I want to scream help from the ends of my unwashed hair.

My body just shakes instead, wishing all the words would come spilling out. This is the one time they won't all come out. Instead I revert to control again. I am solid, like the shell of an egg. But those tears come and I just want to fold, unravel my being and let the thread spill about me on the floor.

I am at peace, settled. Everything eases, and the quiet becomes my friend again.

Then I feel it, the need to leave. Obligations were made. A long time decision. Anxiety stirs in me and I fill with silent dread. I snuff that, replacing it with a fast gathering, savoring peace like a starving person.

I snatch up memories with each corner. It brings about a weak smile. Don't go. Please. Tell me nice things, about you and tell me when you'll be back.

The last departure and I'm left scared and wishing that you'd turn the car around. Come back. I promise it will be good. But this isn't the way it happens. I'm left moving up hill, savoring, using the freshly gathered happiness supplies.

As the day wears on, the structure of my being finds it hard to smile and hold up conversation. I need sleep. I need someone to tell me it will all be okay again. At least I'm not alone. At least…

How is this worse feeling than before. Perhaps I think too much with all my heart. I'm so ready to throw my guards down.  Somehow its only the hills that keep me whole.

Why am I still awake. Kindness. Work. All I want is to sleep through everything. Sleep will bring peace. Let me sleep. Please. please…

…I wish I'd never left this place…