Its only... 38

It's Only....

Its only a few days. It's only a few weeks. Broken down things do seem so much smaller. Or do they add to the weight of the whole? Is a bird still just a bird when you account for all its feathers, all the strands in its feathers, all its cells? Yes. It doesn't change that its a bird. It can alter the perspective of what makes a bird, but it doesn't change the fact that it still sings and flies.

Let's see if I can break the Five weeks down it to bite sized chunks.

12.5 days worth of freedom for me. 12 phone calls.

That's 5 banking days. 5 busy mornings.

1 inspection. A visit from the boss and maybe focus my mind on work. I drift more when I'm anxious and it's much harder to work and socialize than it usually is. I do socialize, but its strained.

2 new staff.

One excellent gift.

8 days with my mother.

One trip away North.

One trip camping.

4 day trip to see my sister.

1 visit.

1 full celebration.

1 empty celebration.

30 morning cries of the steam train.

38 sleeps.

The day before.

The day after.

The days after.

Its the thought of the day after, and the days after, that keep my head and my heart together. The smiles it will bring. The warmth, truth and freedom. Your little whispers to me, through our fingers. The quick engage and I know for a moment that there's only a hazy world consisting of you and me. That we're touching each other's hearts, trying hold them, keep them safe in warm when bitter winds threaten to chill.

You are my favourite person. You are the one I dream and whisper for in the night. You're the warm wind in my hair. You're sun on my back and the rain on my nose. You're the purple heather, the green grouse, the golden leaves, the red grass. You're the stillness on the water. The sparkle in my eye :)

Hold. 41.

Waiting. 42.

My nights are cold where they had once been warm. Cold and yet not with out a light to come. No wavering, no uneasiness. Forwards, slowly. The tide has returned. It splashes over my warm shoulders, sending a cold shock through my body, fading the luster, the warmth I've been holding so close to my skin.

There has been an ax dropped. With teared eyes it will end in six weeks time.

Can I last that long? Is it different now? It is I suppose. Nights I weep for the absence and in the day, I revel in the warmth I had, the things I've done and the memories I've shared. Perhaps my past experience will help me get through this as I did before.

He said once, this would be my year. I suppose it is. It is my year to reach my full potential. It is my year for reaping happiness from seeds of patience and loyalty. Its my year to see another person happy. I am the Anne Elliot. I am the bended knee. I am the quiet bloom waiting for its first ray of sunlight. I am the sunlight, waiting for the clouds to part, so I might see my mountain.

More than Tricky. 43.

The L word.

I've never said it before. Not until a few days ago.

Ironically it was a year ago, the same day, that I sent off for my visa, determined to make a new life for myself. Determined. My loyalty was unbroken and I sensed there was something inherently wrong with what was going on. I was right. And now I'm here. One year later, nearly.

Its resolved now. Nearly. I have one more stretch and then sweet freedom. And I've said it. The L word.

Its a beautiful word. It holds all the power and beauty of a thousand words. It has the power for world peace and the ending of human, animal and earthly suffering. Yet its power creates a vacuum. I am conscious of its prescience of its two and fro. It rises and falls dramatically. No ease, no subtle movements. The glorious heat of a rising sun, or the cold saddening chill of the moon. Yet not. I've always loved the moon for its chilly beauty. It casts the most glorious light, reflected from the sun. The moon is a face shining with the love it knows is there, though cannot always see it. I need this. I need the feeling the moon has.

I am lucky, some would say if they read my story from the pages of a fiction book. And I am. In the end I will get to explore a feeling no one else has, with a person I've never been more comfortable with in all my life. The only person I've ever shared the L word with. His words to treasure. For his ears and eyes alone I write and whisper it. Such a year.

I want right now, for strength and grace to carry me to the end of this. For the L word, in all its happiness to hold my heart high enough above everything that it won't burn. It won't choke or weep. I want the L word to fill me with happiness.

I said it. We said it. In the fragile moment, it was said. For a tenative moment I waited.

"Really?"

"Yeah, of course."

"I ____ you too."

Fear, Love and Greatness

Your fear is not what defines you. Its what you think defines you. But it is only what you are looking at. It's not what defines you in my eyes. It's not what I see. I don't see the fear. I see the wonderful goodness, and the strength to overcome it.

Of course we are weak in moments. Of course there are moments when we are afraid. Pain is not a good feeling, even if we recover from it after, pain is still pain. It is your boundless passion for what you want and what you love.

Your love is what defines you. It creates you, the structure you truly stand upon and builds this magnificent greatness. Your flaws are what make you perfect.

I know why you were scared. You were  hurt so much, that you wait for it and expect it. Its okay. I'll show you its all right. You can take my hand with out fear. We can learn to do this together, to help each other.

In short. Elephant Juice.