I miss you right now. I missed you in the moment just past and I miss you in the moments to come. I miss being next to you. I miss holding your hand and whispering quietly in the morning. I miss a shoulder to lean on.
I miss you. I miss you so much.
Monday 23 June 2014
Thursday 19 June 2014
Back to Jack
I was fourteen when I had this need to make alternative worlds. It gave me comfort in the nasty school hallways, with vicious women and wicked men. There were at least people as good as me. I had stranger people around them. I needed to be a hero, but I'm not a selfish person and couldn't do it alone. I needed a team. I needed support and people to interact with, who would help me as much as I helped them. People who had more confidence then me. People who had less.
This world was of course very different from my own. There were many more characters and their powers were much more advanced and fantastical. In my stories now, I remain largely human. It makes the struggles so much more exciting when you have to face them not with wings and super strength, but with personal intelligence and ingenuity. But at the time having wings and a tale was exciting. Most of my real life friends had a power or two. Blessed by some Buffy the Vampire Slayer esque fluke that allowed each little story to run across my high school life and create them. Very few of those people and character transcended the change and dimensional shift I created in my mind, when I wanted something more real and I wanted less baggage to go with it. Yet Jack, with his roots in one of my very first stories made it through.
According to my story, I met Jack at the Library. My home library, where I used to volunteer. His family recently moved him away from his old group of friends. The previous friends had introduced him to drumming, music, alternative religions and people with alternative life styles. Fearful of their son's mental safety as well as the safety of his immortal soul, they moved town. A smaller town, where there were less children, fewer streets and a more conservative town. Why not mine?
Holding the hand of his little sister as they made their way to the restricted Harry Potters, Jack realized he was being watched by myself. Seeing the wild fear ebb slightly with a flickering flame of curiosity, I offered him some help in checking out some other titles like that of Rowling.
I was lucky. He was still angered by his parents taking him away from his new found friends and so decided to warm to me. He expressed his sin-sear interest in A few nights later, while introducing him to a shared friend, I discovered his gift. It violently assailed my other friend, but he remained in tacked and there after Jack was protected, often becoming the source of knowledge for a coming adventure or solution to one I had placed myself in. He was protected at all cost and his struggle with a deep foreknowledge was enough. He needed no wings, no tail, no super strength, no fangs. It was the greatest and most terrible gift.
But he came at a time of my early transition from Public School to high school, from writing fan fiction to becoming a writer, and my constant story writing with him helped flesh out and mature my ideas. And he would end up being the thing I strived for, fantasy, but tempered with human struggle. Of course I didn't know it then. All I wanted was a friend to come on adventures with, who was the same as me physically.
It's kind of a simple meeting, but what started was my writing journey. My friend Jack's protected me against everyone, taking me into hiding when worried I was threatened. He's struggled to better himself despite his disability and fear of people, so that the world does no harm to them as it has to him. Often, when the chips are down, he is the most reliable.
He's been shot in one adventure, made hero in another and was the first one to be given a girlfriend, Lola March, who is still around the outskirts of my story.
This world was of course very different from my own. There were many more characters and their powers were much more advanced and fantastical. In my stories now, I remain largely human. It makes the struggles so much more exciting when you have to face them not with wings and super strength, but with personal intelligence and ingenuity. But at the time having wings and a tale was exciting. Most of my real life friends had a power or two. Blessed by some Buffy the Vampire Slayer esque fluke that allowed each little story to run across my high school life and create them. Very few of those people and character transcended the change and dimensional shift I created in my mind, when I wanted something more real and I wanted less baggage to go with it. Yet Jack, with his roots in one of my very first stories made it through.
According to my story, I met Jack at the Library. My home library, where I used to volunteer. His family recently moved him away from his old group of friends. The previous friends had introduced him to drumming, music, alternative religions and people with alternative life styles. Fearful of their son's mental safety as well as the safety of his immortal soul, they moved town. A smaller town, where there were less children, fewer streets and a more conservative town. Why not mine?
Holding the hand of his little sister as they made their way to the restricted Harry Potters, Jack realized he was being watched by myself. Seeing the wild fear ebb slightly with a flickering flame of curiosity, I offered him some help in checking out some other titles like that of Rowling.
I was lucky. He was still angered by his parents taking him away from his new found friends and so decided to warm to me. He expressed his sin-sear interest in A few nights later, while introducing him to a shared friend, I discovered his gift. It violently assailed my other friend, but he remained in tacked and there after Jack was protected, often becoming the source of knowledge for a coming adventure or solution to one I had placed myself in. He was protected at all cost and his struggle with a deep foreknowledge was enough. He needed no wings, no tail, no super strength, no fangs. It was the greatest and most terrible gift.
But he came at a time of my early transition from Public School to high school, from writing fan fiction to becoming a writer, and my constant story writing with him helped flesh out and mature my ideas. And he would end up being the thing I strived for, fantasy, but tempered with human struggle. Of course I didn't know it then. All I wanted was a friend to come on adventures with, who was the same as me physically.
It's kind of a simple meeting, but what started was my writing journey. My friend Jack's protected me against everyone, taking me into hiding when worried I was threatened. He's struggled to better himself despite his disability and fear of people, so that the world does no harm to them as it has to him. Often, when the chips are down, he is the most reliable.
He's been shot in one adventure, made hero in another and was the first one to be given a girlfriend, Lola March, who is still around the outskirts of my story.
Sunday 15 June 2014
Four Other Mes: The Fourth Me
The Fourth me....
Recap, the four characters I've created represent an aspect of my personality and I use each of them in different scenarios of my life to explore ideas, fears and help face things I'm unsure of. I've made the first when I was 14 years old and carried them in my life in one format or another since then, which include University and various personal crisis. I'm writing about them in the order they were created.
The fourth me...
How do I explain Brandon?
Brandon is unfortunate. The most unfortunate in plot, in responsibility and yet I find so much comfort in his character. Especially with the foolish wave of vampire hatred. Stupid Twilight.
At 6'2, Brandon is tall and lean, leaner than Jack, with dark brown, nearly black hair, and the same sand colour eyes as his brother, though they are often seen as darker. His face is more pointed than Oliver's with a thinner mouth, paler skin and shadows under his eyes. His hands are often seen as longer than average. He is two years older than Oliver.
Brandon is part vampire part werewolf. He does not transform into a beast, nor does his heart not beat. He does lust for blood, though less frequently then most vampires. His powers include teleportation (though not as strong as Cody's), telekentics, super strength (on par with Oliver as a human), super healing as well as a grasp of martial arts. Sunlight does not bother him and no food bothers him either. Of the four, he is the most deeply immersed in the ideas and fantasies of other worlds.
Brother to Oliver, Brandon was the other survivor of the family massacre, abducted by those who perpetrated it at the age of fourteen. Genetically, he carries the werewolf gene, but it's recessive, but none the less active. Prior to his abduction, he had a slightly stronger sense of smell, but that was as far as it went. He was abducted by an old line of vampires, who attempted to turn him, but it failed due to his recessive werewolf gene. Stuck between vampire, werewolf and human, he was kept on by the three vampires as a servant, forced to kill on command, once slaughtering an entire village. He was reunited with his younger brother at the age of 19, having finally been released from his bondage. Realizing he could make amends for his actions by caring for his new family, he took upon the duty of herding Oliver when he transformed, being the only one unaffected by his bites.
Brandon is the leader of the four, initially by age, but then as well by experience. He is currently running a security firm, often financing the schooling for the other three by this means. He was the first to drive, the first to own property and the first to have a child, Eli.
Brandon is quiet. Reserved, and much like Jack, he does not trust people completely.
He represents the more animal in me, the primal things I need. The aggression both physical and sexual. Growing comfortable with ideas of sex was something I used Brandon for. But it wasn't just that. It was ideas of new responsibility. He is the one who learned to deal with things, dark things, alone in the dark, and take a clear mind away from it, to make hard choices, for the good of those around him, to protect and guide to safety. He goes into trouble, with careful calculation and thought placed into his actions.
But it wasn't just that. He is the leader, and its that stillness I try to emulate. Brandon is the cold eye in the dark, the watcher, the loner, who, while loves his family can function alone, can meet me in a dark street and walk me the rest of the way home.
Recap, the four characters I've created represent an aspect of my personality and I use each of them in different scenarios of my life to explore ideas, fears and help face things I'm unsure of. I've made the first when I was 14 years old and carried them in my life in one format or another since then, which include University and various personal crisis. I'm writing about them in the order they were created.
The fourth me...
How do I explain Brandon?
Brandon is unfortunate. The most unfortunate in plot, in responsibility and yet I find so much comfort in his character. Especially with the foolish wave of vampire hatred. Stupid Twilight.
At 6'2, Brandon is tall and lean, leaner than Jack, with dark brown, nearly black hair, and the same sand colour eyes as his brother, though they are often seen as darker. His face is more pointed than Oliver's with a thinner mouth, paler skin and shadows under his eyes. His hands are often seen as longer than average. He is two years older than Oliver.
Brandon is part vampire part werewolf. He does not transform into a beast, nor does his heart not beat. He does lust for blood, though less frequently then most vampires. His powers include teleportation (though not as strong as Cody's), telekentics, super strength (on par with Oliver as a human), super healing as well as a grasp of martial arts. Sunlight does not bother him and no food bothers him either. Of the four, he is the most deeply immersed in the ideas and fantasies of other worlds.
Brother to Oliver, Brandon was the other survivor of the family massacre, abducted by those who perpetrated it at the age of fourteen. Genetically, he carries the werewolf gene, but it's recessive, but none the less active. Prior to his abduction, he had a slightly stronger sense of smell, but that was as far as it went. He was abducted by an old line of vampires, who attempted to turn him, but it failed due to his recessive werewolf gene. Stuck between vampire, werewolf and human, he was kept on by the three vampires as a servant, forced to kill on command, once slaughtering an entire village. He was reunited with his younger brother at the age of 19, having finally been released from his bondage. Realizing he could make amends for his actions by caring for his new family, he took upon the duty of herding Oliver when he transformed, being the only one unaffected by his bites.
Brandon is the leader of the four, initially by age, but then as well by experience. He is currently running a security firm, often financing the schooling for the other three by this means. He was the first to drive, the first to own property and the first to have a child, Eli.
Brandon is quiet. Reserved, and much like Jack, he does not trust people completely.
He represents the more animal in me, the primal things I need. The aggression both physical and sexual. Growing comfortable with ideas of sex was something I used Brandon for. But it wasn't just that. It was ideas of new responsibility. He is the one who learned to deal with things, dark things, alone in the dark, and take a clear mind away from it, to make hard choices, for the good of those around him, to protect and guide to safety. He goes into trouble, with careful calculation and thought placed into his actions.
But it wasn't just that. He is the leader, and its that stillness I try to emulate. Brandon is the cold eye in the dark, the watcher, the loner, who, while loves his family can function alone, can meet me in a dark street and walk me the rest of the way home.
Saturday 14 June 2014
Four Other Mes: The Third Me
Recap, the four characters I've created represent an aspect of my personality and I use each of them in different scenarios of my life to explore ideas, fears and help face things I'm unsure of. I've made the first when I was 14 years old and carried them in my life in one format or another since then, which include University and various personal crisis. I'm writing about them in the order they were created.
Thus we have the third. Oliver.
Oliver, Oliver Oliver.
Truly, the abuse of my characters is manifested in Oliver and his family, and yet Oliver is an interesting representation of myself. He is my kindness.
Born in the highlands of Scotland, Oliver lived a happy family life until he was twelve, when his family was killed and he was placed into the foster system. After one failed family after another, he was given the chance to move over seas at the age of fourteen to live in Canada. It was there he forged documents to live independently in the same town as Jack, and by proxy, Cody. Both became very much his family life. He has a deep love for dogs, owning three at one point, but now only one Pyrenees/German Shepard cross named bear. He went through school to be a social worker, but found the work unfulfilling and turned instead to firefighting.
Oliver is afflicted with a more fantastical "gift" then either Jack or Cody's who are both able to hide theirs. He is from an old line of werewolf. His transformations during a full moon are violent and painful, and once changed he has a blood lust for human, though once slated with another animal, such as goat, sheep or cow, will no longer hunt so vigorously, but merely prowl his territory for prey. When in his human form, his sense of smell, hearing and over all strength are increased, though weakest at the new moon. Due to the painfulness of his transformations, he has a high pain threshold, high metabolism, veracious appetite and quick healing properties.
In human form he stands 5' 11, initially a thin boy from malnutrition through the foster homes, is now a well developed, broad shouldered man. His hair is a dark, chestnut brown, though sometimes alters, depending on his transformations, to sandier colours, matching that of his light brown eyes. His hands are rough and calloused from work. His skin veers towards olive or tanned because of his outdoors interests. His hobbies include down hill biking, wilderness marathons and occasionally guitar.
Oliver represents, as I said above, my kindness and need for security. In every job I've ever been in he's "shared" the work. My defender if I'm scared or feel unsure of my place in work. If I travel, I have him there too, sitting in the seat beside me.
You'd think this would go to Cody, based on the relation to Jack and his "Martial skill' but Oliver holds this spot for the kindness and outgoing nature he still shares with Cody. Friendly, trusting and often a shoulder for everyone to lean on. The sturdiest and most reliable in most aspects of life.
His only down fall is the aggressive monster inside of him which forces a more closed off life to those not closest to him, however, few questions are asked of others as it generally only once a month.
Oliver is my Kindness and security.
Thus we have the third. Oliver.
Oliver, Oliver Oliver.
Truly, the abuse of my characters is manifested in Oliver and his family, and yet Oliver is an interesting representation of myself. He is my kindness.
Born in the highlands of Scotland, Oliver lived a happy family life until he was twelve, when his family was killed and he was placed into the foster system. After one failed family after another, he was given the chance to move over seas at the age of fourteen to live in Canada. It was there he forged documents to live independently in the same town as Jack, and by proxy, Cody. Both became very much his family life. He has a deep love for dogs, owning three at one point, but now only one Pyrenees/German Shepard cross named bear. He went through school to be a social worker, but found the work unfulfilling and turned instead to firefighting.
Oliver is afflicted with a more fantastical "gift" then either Jack or Cody's who are both able to hide theirs. He is from an old line of werewolf. His transformations during a full moon are violent and painful, and once changed he has a blood lust for human, though once slated with another animal, such as goat, sheep or cow, will no longer hunt so vigorously, but merely prowl his territory for prey. When in his human form, his sense of smell, hearing and over all strength are increased, though weakest at the new moon. Due to the painfulness of his transformations, he has a high pain threshold, high metabolism, veracious appetite and quick healing properties.
In human form he stands 5' 11, initially a thin boy from malnutrition through the foster homes, is now a well developed, broad shouldered man. His hair is a dark, chestnut brown, though sometimes alters, depending on his transformations, to sandier colours, matching that of his light brown eyes. His hands are rough and calloused from work. His skin veers towards olive or tanned because of his outdoors interests. His hobbies include down hill biking, wilderness marathons and occasionally guitar.
Oliver represents, as I said above, my kindness and need for security. In every job I've ever been in he's "shared" the work. My defender if I'm scared or feel unsure of my place in work. If I travel, I have him there too, sitting in the seat beside me.
You'd think this would go to Cody, based on the relation to Jack and his "Martial skill' but Oliver holds this spot for the kindness and outgoing nature he still shares with Cody. Friendly, trusting and often a shoulder for everyone to lean on. The sturdiest and most reliable in most aspects of life.
His only down fall is the aggressive monster inside of him which forces a more closed off life to those not closest to him, however, few questions are asked of others as it generally only once a month.
Oliver is my Kindness and security.
Friday 13 June 2014
Four Other Mes: The Second Me
Recap, the four characters I've created represent an aspect of my personality and I use each of them in different scenarios of my life to explore ideas, fears and help face things I'm unsure of. I've made the first when I was 14 years old and carried them in my life in one format or another since then, which include University and various personal crisis. I'm writing about them in the order they were created.
Then there's the second ever created. The exact counter to Jack. Cody.
Cody is short, 5'6.5 with ice blue eyes and raven black hair which was once put into a shaved mowhawk, but now put into a faux hawk. He has a more pointed face, oval with a nose which has a slight nick in it from being broken a few times. His skin freckled more when he was younger but faded and smoothed into an even pallor and tans poorly. At one time he sported more than 27 body piercings but now only has 7- 13 of them including one nasal, three in each ear lobe, a viper bite, and the lower lip in the center. Additionally he has seven tattoos, of hamlet's scull, native bear, the celtic tree of life baring his sisters' names underneath, Hades and various others.
Son of a wealthy, abet spineless architect and abusive alcoholic mother, Cody spent large portions of time away from home, hanging about on the streets with poorer street kids until his younger sister Jennifer was born. During this time he learned the guitar and to do tricks on a bike. After this his mother grew resentful of him as he defended his younger sister against the abuse. He developed the ability to teleport. Following this development he quit smoking and began learning martial arts, which he still continues to this day, as a means to refine his skill. At the same time he started traveling over seas, learning 7 different languages, including Mandarin, French, German, Spanish, Russian, Norwegian and Portuguese.
Despite these improvements in himself, he was still forced to remain with his family to protect his sister Jenny and their baby sister Rosie until at the age of twenty two, an accident in the house resulted in child services being called. Cody now has full custody of both siblings.
Cody is the fun side of myself. His enthusiasm for the world and trying new things is what he represents. He is out going despite his troubles and maintains a youthful exuberance against anything that tries to bring him down. Even war, blood and death roll of his back.
He also maintains my sense of loyalty. While he goes off on adventures, he never forgets his family and they are his first priority. His family and Jack. Aware of his friend's weaknesses, sheltered youth and the abuse they both faced, and is the first to defend him. He tries to encourage Jack to trust while taking head of his friend's advice. He thinks before he speaks and leaps before he looks, but he always does it with good intentions. He learns things I've always wanted to, he does things I'm limited to.
Often, when I'm going to a party, I find myself in Cody's company. He'll warm up easy to a crowd. He'll make friends and do cool things and they'll accept him for who he is and he wont listen to the pressures of a crowd, but be himself.
Cody is my friend. He is the outside energy I want to show more often. The confidence in life.
Then there's the second ever created. The exact counter to Jack. Cody.
Cody is short, 5'6.5 with ice blue eyes and raven black hair which was once put into a shaved mowhawk, but now put into a faux hawk. He has a more pointed face, oval with a nose which has a slight nick in it from being broken a few times. His skin freckled more when he was younger but faded and smoothed into an even pallor and tans poorly. At one time he sported more than 27 body piercings but now only has 7- 13 of them including one nasal, three in each ear lobe, a viper bite, and the lower lip in the center. Additionally he has seven tattoos, of hamlet's scull, native bear, the celtic tree of life baring his sisters' names underneath, Hades and various others.
Son of a wealthy, abet spineless architect and abusive alcoholic mother, Cody spent large portions of time away from home, hanging about on the streets with poorer street kids until his younger sister Jennifer was born. During this time he learned the guitar and to do tricks on a bike. After this his mother grew resentful of him as he defended his younger sister against the abuse. He developed the ability to teleport. Following this development he quit smoking and began learning martial arts, which he still continues to this day, as a means to refine his skill. At the same time he started traveling over seas, learning 7 different languages, including Mandarin, French, German, Spanish, Russian, Norwegian and Portuguese.
Despite these improvements in himself, he was still forced to remain with his family to protect his sister Jenny and their baby sister Rosie until at the age of twenty two, an accident in the house resulted in child services being called. Cody now has full custody of both siblings.
Cody is the fun side of myself. His enthusiasm for the world and trying new things is what he represents. He is out going despite his troubles and maintains a youthful exuberance against anything that tries to bring him down. Even war, blood and death roll of his back.
He also maintains my sense of loyalty. While he goes off on adventures, he never forgets his family and they are his first priority. His family and Jack. Aware of his friend's weaknesses, sheltered youth and the abuse they both faced, and is the first to defend him. He tries to encourage Jack to trust while taking head of his friend's advice. He thinks before he speaks and leaps before he looks, but he always does it with good intentions. He learns things I've always wanted to, he does things I'm limited to.
Often, when I'm going to a party, I find myself in Cody's company. He'll warm up easy to a crowd. He'll make friends and do cool things and they'll accept him for who he is and he wont listen to the pressures of a crowd, but be himself.
Cody is my friend. He is the outside energy I want to show more often. The confidence in life.
Wednesday 11 June 2014
Four Other Mes: The First Me
How do I explain my most precious coping mechanism?
I write, this is clear enough, but why did I get into writing?
It was usually to deal with some aspect of my life I found overwhelming in my head; an event to come, a new job, traveling somewhere, sadness, exploring my own metal state, and loneliness.
I didn't do it though, by writing a best seller, but by developing characters, that are, for all intensive purposes, imaginary friends. I use them in all sorts of stories. Fan fiction, my own stories, novels and various day to day imaginings.
I never expected to carry these characters along with me, nor did I expect them to help me through my troubles. With them, I can project ideas and imagine how they would react. Bounce ideas off them. Or I can use them in novels, where I don't want to be the only one in on the adventure. Of course, because I love fantasy, they're not completely human. They each carry an aspect of me. Of something I wish to be, and of something I am. Some have more of these, some have less.
They're names are Jack, Cody, Oliver and Brandon. This is the order I created them in.
Jack is very tall. The tallest, and created when I was 14 and he's the same age as me. He was created as a friend who could see the future, raised by evangelical parents who tried to cure his fit like visions by sending him to an experimental psychological, resulting in a deep psychological issues, including anxiety attacks, sever mistrust and occasional paranoia. This combined with the visions result in an anxious man, wild around the eyes.
He's tall, six foot six in total with lean build, though inclined to muscle in the last four years. His hair is hay blonde and with wide, blue eyes. A squarish jaw, straight nose, and straight mouth to match, often serious, but with neat white teeth when he does smile.
His visions come in violent, fit-like spams, and he is not to be touched when they happen or he risks losing the vision.
In his teens he was much more anxious, and this seemed only cured by physical activity, including drums and skateboarding. He would avoid friendships with anyone save his sister, often bullied in school. When he was 14, he abandoned the religion of his parents, after making friends with a young group of rockers and punks. He fell in love with music at this time and discovered his skill in drums. Despite this, he still maintains his love for them, and his younger sister Elizabeth. Once moving away to school, and therefore out of their stern hold.
In university he studied to be a doctor, but turned towards psychology. During this time he took time to become more physically fit, taking a few combat courses and gun training. He is skilled with long range weapons and the human art of stealth when he wants to. While studying for his Masters (at the age of 22/23), he had a psychotic break and was forced to take a years absence from his work. During this time he found it difficult to leave home or the security of the other three friends. He has returned to school part time.
Jack is interesting, in my imaginary interactions with him, its almost always platonic, and, more often then not, I am more protective of him than he is of I, but of the four he has the greatest potential for leadership, his mental illness being the only thing holding him back. The other three, especially Cody, guard him fiercely and his skill is the most unspoken of, for risk of its discovery.
When I feel fearful and scared and suffer from psychological breaks my self, its his over arching plot path that becomes the most disrupted. Yet it is he who comforts me when I'm mentally lost and alone. If he can get through it, with everything he's been put through, then I can. I have someone who needs me to be strong because they need to keep going because of it.
My trust is most reflected in Jack. I don't trust immediately and it may seem that I do, but I don't completely. My deepest secret is his deepest secret and we share it only with those we know the most and know won't break us.
As I've grown, Jack has gotten better about his anxieties, and his problems are as much a problem as mine. He's a reminder I need to take care of my self, but in the right way. Trust when its right, and my humanity. To struggle against things I think are wrong, and to watch and listen, for it is watching and listening that Jack does best. He's the one I go to in trapped situations, because for him there is no escape. He can either panic or figure a way out and it needs to be the same way for me.
Jack is the most of me, the most deepest of my insides.
I write, this is clear enough, but why did I get into writing?
It was usually to deal with some aspect of my life I found overwhelming in my head; an event to come, a new job, traveling somewhere, sadness, exploring my own metal state, and loneliness.
I didn't do it though, by writing a best seller, but by developing characters, that are, for all intensive purposes, imaginary friends. I use them in all sorts of stories. Fan fiction, my own stories, novels and various day to day imaginings.
I never expected to carry these characters along with me, nor did I expect them to help me through my troubles. With them, I can project ideas and imagine how they would react. Bounce ideas off them. Or I can use them in novels, where I don't want to be the only one in on the adventure. Of course, because I love fantasy, they're not completely human. They each carry an aspect of me. Of something I wish to be, and of something I am. Some have more of these, some have less.
 |
| Clockwise from the top: Cody, Oliver, Brandon, and Jack. Not all descriptions apply. |
Jack is very tall. The tallest, and created when I was 14 and he's the same age as me. He was created as a friend who could see the future, raised by evangelical parents who tried to cure his fit like visions by sending him to an experimental psychological, resulting in a deep psychological issues, including anxiety attacks, sever mistrust and occasional paranoia. This combined with the visions result in an anxious man, wild around the eyes.
He's tall, six foot six in total with lean build, though inclined to muscle in the last four years. His hair is hay blonde and with wide, blue eyes. A squarish jaw, straight nose, and straight mouth to match, often serious, but with neat white teeth when he does smile.
His visions come in violent, fit-like spams, and he is not to be touched when they happen or he risks losing the vision.
In his teens he was much more anxious, and this seemed only cured by physical activity, including drums and skateboarding. He would avoid friendships with anyone save his sister, often bullied in school. When he was 14, he abandoned the religion of his parents, after making friends with a young group of rockers and punks. He fell in love with music at this time and discovered his skill in drums. Despite this, he still maintains his love for them, and his younger sister Elizabeth. Once moving away to school, and therefore out of their stern hold.
In university he studied to be a doctor, but turned towards psychology. During this time he took time to become more physically fit, taking a few combat courses and gun training. He is skilled with long range weapons and the human art of stealth when he wants to. While studying for his Masters (at the age of 22/23), he had a psychotic break and was forced to take a years absence from his work. During this time he found it difficult to leave home or the security of the other three friends. He has returned to school part time.
Jack is interesting, in my imaginary interactions with him, its almost always platonic, and, more often then not, I am more protective of him than he is of I, but of the four he has the greatest potential for leadership, his mental illness being the only thing holding him back. The other three, especially Cody, guard him fiercely and his skill is the most unspoken of, for risk of its discovery.
When I feel fearful and scared and suffer from psychological breaks my self, its his over arching plot path that becomes the most disrupted. Yet it is he who comforts me when I'm mentally lost and alone. If he can get through it, with everything he's been put through, then I can. I have someone who needs me to be strong because they need to keep going because of it.
My trust is most reflected in Jack. I don't trust immediately and it may seem that I do, but I don't completely. My deepest secret is his deepest secret and we share it only with those we know the most and know won't break us.
As I've grown, Jack has gotten better about his anxieties, and his problems are as much a problem as mine. He's a reminder I need to take care of my self, but in the right way. Trust when its right, and my humanity. To struggle against things I think are wrong, and to watch and listen, for it is watching and listening that Jack does best. He's the one I go to in trapped situations, because for him there is no escape. He can either panic or figure a way out and it needs to be the same way for me.
Jack is the most of me, the most deepest of my insides.
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