Night x

I went away for the night. To the big city. It was nice, though anxious. The last time I went to this city on a bus, I was taking a plane and the plane lead to this last year of troubles.

It wasn't bad, but I immediately found that I am no longer a city person. My desire to lie on grass, sit beside a bubbling river and listen to the wind in the trees was over whelming. But I had instead only to look at concrete walls and hundreds of loveless faces.

Of course old buildings are magical and beautiful. Of course when the sun hits the white marble, Neo-classical building side I'm supposed to be captured by its beauty and marvel at human ingenuity. But it was only for a second. It left a hole in me afterwards. Where's the fresh air? The clear water? Where are the mountains, dominating the skyline, making sure we know that we are human and can achieve more than a fat bank account.

I got to hear from him. Its been 13 days. The first stretch was agony. I was not myself and struggled to control impulsive messaging. Not to mention that I cried at the drop of a hat. Keeping it together has been work. Its still work and when I was in the city, it was nice not having to worry about where I walked. I could even message, about nothing heavily personal, just comic books and such but it was enough for me then. My smile was that of a patient, nearly zen woman, who could stand the test of a few more weeks.

I guess I'm that way now, but being back only brings reminders of what I feel I'm missing.

I had a big empty bed all to myself there, as I do here, and I couldn't help but immediately think of him. Not of sex, but rather of quiet holdings. Of soft touches and low mumbled words before tickles ensue.

The struggle we're both facing is different from each other. Patience and strength are my lessons, the last stretch of it, while strength and courage are his.

He sent me something that keeps my hopes up. It was not the day conversation, quiet and nothing particular. It was the message at 11:53 pm. Night x.

Did you miss me? Did you think of me in the big empty bed, away from the world, where we don't have to worry about running into someone? Where all our struggles are put aside for a deep breath of peace. It wasn't until the early hours of morning that I got the message, but it was nevertheless a warm ray of sunshine on a grey city day.

Strength and patience. The thing you need most is a soft place to land when all this is over and it cannot be done if my strength doesn't hold. So many people have given up on you, failed and abandoned and I won't. I can't.

My strength won't hold if I see you, I know that. I'll melt into a puddle. Not because I'm not strong, but around you I can be myself most. You and me get to share our truthful selves and that's pretty beautiful.

But right now, I miss you.

Last Week I Went On A Date

I went on a date a week ago today.

I feel like I should discuss something positive here. Nothing flowery. Nothing full of longing and despair. I will discuss all the great things for the next two weeks following.

As always, it involves a touch of stealth. Can't be found out yet. Not yet but soon. We met and decided to go about a half hour outside of the main town. He was going to take me to this burger joint over looking the valleys and lochs.

We held hands the whole way, chatted and discussed how things were.

We arrived, but it turns out the burger joint was closed, not quite ready for the season yet. Luckily I made sandwiches, avocado, bacon and cheese and we enjoyed a sweet kiss afterwards. No. Not sweet, the greatest kiss. A kiss I hadn't experienced since last July.

Part way back we stopped off in a pub, shared a pint or two, another amazing kiss. We played pool, chatted to people with no fear. Not a fear of getting caught or found. I was free for a moment. The way he touched the nape of my neck, smooth, gentle touches. When we needed to go, he kissed the top of my head, and we pinky swore to it.

I wanted to give a good day. No tears. No sadness. A glimpse for him, of what it would be like.

It wasn't going to be easy and you knew this. You knew this from the start. You knew, that the end would be the hardest part, for you have to watch him struggle through this as much as you, but apart. You each have to fight your own battle. Yours in patience, true patience for something great. And for him… truth? Strength? Understanding? You cannon know until he tells you. You have to trust him and hope he trusts you.

Your the one I want.

This is Your Start

Three weeks. Three weeks.
It feels like an age.

I have every hope and trust, but I have fear and envy clawing at my heart.

You don't have to hope.

I know. I know, from that sweet gift you gave my mouth.From the smooth touch of your hand. From the words you've whispered endlessly to me over the last three weeks.

I'm relying on those around me to keep my spirits up, to keep my chin from my chest. Of course the tears will come. Longing is painful and waiting is hard, especially

Did you think this would happen to me? Did you think at the start, through all that pain? Did you think I would get a chance? Maybe I did believe. I knew I suppose. I makes me happy, teary to think of what's to come. To think of the shot I get at love.

Of course the final stretch is the hardest, with the goal just in sight. With my heart just right.

Love is always worth it. You are always worth it.

Magic, Shake, Light

Your song to me.

The Fire in my Belly

The Song to keep me going.

Magic 

Call it magic

Call it true

I call it magic

When I'm with you

And I just got broken

Broken into two

Still I call it magic

When I'm next to you

And I don't and I don't and I don't and I don't

No, I don't it's true

I don't, no I don't, no I don't, no I don't

Want anybody else but you

I don't, no I don't, no I don't, no I don't

No, I don't it's true

I don't, no I don't, no I don't, no I don't

Want anybody else but you

Call it magic

Cut me into two

And with all your magic

I disappear from view

And I can't get over

Can't get over you

Still I call it magic

Such a precious jewel

And I don't and I don't and I don't and I don't

No, I don't it's true

I don't, no I don't, no I don't, no I don't

Want anybody else but you

I don't, no I don't, no I don't, no I don't

No, I don't it's true

I don't, no I don't, no I don't, no I don't

Want anybody else but you

Want to fall, fall so far

I want to fall, fall so hard

And I call it magic

And I call it true

I call it magic

And if you were to ask me

After all that we've been through

Still believe in magic?

Yes, I do

Of course I do

No Light, No Light

You are the hole in my head

You are the space in my bed

You are the silence in between

What I thought and what I said

You are the night time fear

You are the morning when it's clear

When it's over you're the start

You're my head, you're my heart

No light, no light in your bright blue eyes

I never knew daylight could be so violent

A revelation in the light of day

You can't choose what stays and what fades away

And I'd do anything to make you stay

No light, no light

No light

Tell me what you want me to say

Through the crowd, I was crying out

And in your place there were a thousand other faces

I was disappearing in plain sight

Heaven help me, I need to make it right

You want a revelation,

You wanna get it right

But it's a conversation,

I just can't have tonight

You want a revelation

Some kind of resolution

You want a revelation

No light, no light in your bright blue eyes

I never knew daylight could be so violent

A revelation in the light of day,

You can't choose what stays and what fades away

And I'd do anything to make you stay

No light, no light

No light

Tell me what you want me to say

Would you leave me,

If I told you what I've done?

And would you need me,

If I told you what I've become?

'Cause it's so easy,

To say it to a crowd

But it's so hard, my love,

To say it to you out loud

No light, no light in your bright blue eyes

I never knew daylight could be so violent

A revelation in the light of day,

You can't choose what stays and what fades away

Shake it Out

Regrets collect like old friends

Here to relive your darkest moments

I can see no way, I can see no way

And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh

But I like to keep some things to myself

I like to keep my issues drawn

It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind

I can never leave the past behind

I can see no way, I can see no way

I'm always dragging that horse around

Our love is pastured, such a mournful sound

Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground

So I like to keep my issues drawn

But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back

So shake him off, oh whoa

And I am done with my graceless heart

So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart

'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn

It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back

So shake him off, oh whoa

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back

And given half the chance would I take any of it back

It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone

It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh whoa, oh whoa...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't

So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road

And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope

It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat

'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me

Looking for heaven, found the devil in me

Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me, yeah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back

So shake him off, oh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back

So shake him off, oh whoa

The Sun

Its like rain and sun. 

I like rain, but it can't be rain every day.

I promise not to burn you.

I know it now. You're the one I want to be with. You don't need to worry about hoping anymore. I'll be there [taps my heart], through the last of the fire. I promise, then we can be together.

I know it. I know this feeling.