12.

I was going to be angry in this post. I was going to rage. I was going to be infuriated.

But I cannot.

Its what I think I want. It wouldn't help. I would only feel ashamed.

My day started out alright and slid towards poorly. I shed tears and begged to see a change. The agony of being denied you. We are both suffering and I know this. I should be able to bear this better. Yet I cannot help it. I am the making of the wind that batters this house.

There's just one thing instead ringing over and over in my head.

As desperate as I feel, for the sound of your voice, for the touch of your hand, for the warm embrace. As desperate as I am for you to sing and thing you're terrible when you're not. As desperate as I am for your kiss and kindness.

More than sleeping next to you. More than a hug, more than being held. More than water or food right now. More than sleep. More than a room of ones own. More than all these things, there's just one thing.

I just want to say, I love you.

17. Luck

When its only my pen that will help.

I've been chewing my lip, so to speak. Building the fortress of my own anxiety. I have so much to be ready for. So much to be excited for. I dig my own hole. Its only out of tiredness, out of frustration. Its been a long year, and though its had the most wonderful moments, there have more hard ones than I can count.

Its near the end. I need to be a stronger person and understand these last few days. These last few days are the final end. The test of a long journey. I said before, that no story is beautiful. Its easy to see it that way from the safety of its pages, but it is savage, heart wrenching. It is the truth. It is the truest way of life. We are people. We are people who love and we are people who are loved. We are the lucky ones.

We are the ones who are put into books. Who love the great loves and be as we are, happy and ourselves. 

I have less than three weeks. If I think about it, if I didn't know, I wouldn't be impatient. But I am. 

Yet at the same time I'm in this weird limbo. I'm about to start something normal. Something epic. Something that may last the course of my life. Its daunting. Its the idea of achieving something amazing and beautiful. Its about to be normal! It's about to be something I can speak and talk about. Something I can have pride in. Something I can share with others. Someone. I am about to have someone in my life. I'm about to go through things I've only read about.

The last year has proven something to me. Has shown that there is someone out there, worth it. Worth the work and love. That someone out there needed me, someone needed my love, and that my love changed them. 

It did. Patience is a virtue, as I have always been taught. Its taught me, and taught others. Trust. Patience and Love. I have these things. 

28 and the Sadness in Other's Hearts.

I wish I could help everyone.

I wish I could, but I know I cannot. My help isn't always as helpful as they feel they need or want. Some people want from me just sex. Some people want a friend. Some people want to be more than that.

The sex one is easy. Its not something to give away, and often its the most easily dealt with.

The friend seems easy. Its easy to be friends. But for me, I can be weary of how much I give a friend. Some people require a lot of effort, and though we love them as friends we know they drain us, and that its important to put some distance so the enjoyable parts of the friendship don't suffer for it.

Some people want to be friends, and I want to be their friend.

Its hard then, because often, my mannerisms are seen as flirtatious, or they just connect because I want to be their friend.

I remember when I was young and I don't really recall a time when rejecting a friend was something easy. When you do this, you're risking the loss of a friendship. Its something important and I'm so sad when it happens.

Some people want to be more than that. Its something I cannot offer, save for one.