I won't negate on my promises I made to you last night. I will be there, no matter what, in what context you need. Because you need support, I think, strength. And I want to be the one to give it, even at a distance, when I can't.
You brought up the secret again, and I understand your getting closer to telling me. I didn't push you and you quelled the fears that I was again.
And I understand suddenly, very suddenly, why you don't understand the feelings for me. You said you've been looking for someone like me since N. But you haven't gotten the time to yourself, the space to be single and understand what you, alone, want. I remember you saying once your afraid to love again. In the same way your afraid to hurt anyone, you yourself wish not to be hurt in the same way. Give unto others what you wish upon yourself. Your afraid then, to make the step towards love, because your afraid to hurt like that again. I understand now. Tentative.
But my conversation gave me a better understanding into how you want to face the world, what you want to do and how you want to approach the life your facing, even in a relationship. Your urge to travel, to improve yourself, you want to build something, a house I think, of your own two hands in the woods. You want to settle down into a more quiet life. Not as much partying. Not as much wildness. Inner peace.
I want to sit in a wave of the natural world, mixed with rain and sunlight, fresh air and the distant sound of birds.
I feel it too, in me. I want to lead a different life.
What you're anxious to do, and won't do is give big promises. I can understand why. It runs in the same vain of not wanting to hurt me. So you won't give big promises because you don't know, you don't want to get my hopes up. So I ask little promises. I'll take those and you've said a thousand times, and in a way, it is a big promise, that you will always be in my life. Its the one big promise you can give me. So in return, I give my big promise, because I know its important, because I know you need someone who will not fail you and the promise in, that I will always be there for you.
I worry of course about my own strength, my flaws. I know I can be stubborn about this. Most women would have turned at the thought of pushing through all these things. I worry sometimes that my stubbornness is born from fear, and it is in a way. Fear of loneliness, but I feel it. At the end of all this that it will be worth it.
In the same way you need to finish this your way. You need to be able to do it your way.
I of course will have my moments of weakness, but this journey I'm on, gives me a better understanding of how you work, how forward your looking. The direction, the workings of your insides.
I regret nothing in my decision, save the purchase of that ticket.
You regret your softness to her.
I had my weak moment yesterday. It couldn't be helped. I am so excited to see you, when I do, and happy for the fragment I'm given, that it overwhelms me and I wonder still why I can't always bask in it. It brings me down and I have to fight to remind myself of the big picture. Take what I am given and treasure it. Because everything from you is that, the ups and the downs, my wonderfully sweet friend, my greatest friend with your shining heart, who wears his woes so closely.
In so many ways, I hate the perceptions in life, of the smoothness of relationships, the definition, because its built a road in my mind that I'm to take. What if its not to be that road, world? What if the road I take is different, none so smooth, with sharp stones and twists that bring me through cold and warm lights. What if the road I am on is ceaseless? Because I will always be moving and changing, my course as fluid as water. Yet steady. I will not break my promises.
And this piece is not to indicate a change in hope, for I am not with out candle light in the dark. Hope flourishes still, in its quiet corner. It must only be patient. The sun will come and in time hope can turn into something more. Until then, I will hold hope in the dark, whisper songs and quell its worries.
My greatest, most wonderful friend.
Always, Menace
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