0. The Drop

I had a complete breakdown yesterday.

It lasted nearly 6 hours.

Exhausted at the end, I called someone and realized what I'd just been through. I have not bottled something up like that for a very long time. Well over a year. Not since I lived at home alone.

I used to do it often, or more often then I thought, which makes me think I should have seen it coming. In a  way I did. I needed a cry, a book and some tea. I didn't realize how extensive the cry was though.

I held everything back when my mother came. I didn't want her to see me distressed about the last stretch, because I had so much to be happy for. I held everything back when I visited my sister, because I didn't want her to see me distressed about the last stretch, because I have so much o be happy for. I didn't cry some days, because the urge to do so came right before I started work, or I just wanted to go to bed, or I had such a short time with the one person I could, that I wanted it to b happy for both. But I held everything back.

I can see how I did it too. I've been walling myself off from everyone, scared to see and speak to people, venture beyond a certain point in the town. I've been injecting my brain with lectures and pod casts, new music and junk television in an effort to improve my mood, or to keep off a bad one. If I'm not thinking about it, it can't happen.

The signs were there too. Isolation, lack of focus on anything productive and the inability to write. That's always a bad sign. It comes out sporadically, and unfocused. I can't seem to fix on an idea or plot at all. If my writing doesn't work then I'm lost. I couldn't even draw, Which is usually my back up outlet.

But I knew it had to, and with time to myself and away from everyone, my mind slowly unraveled and the weight of everything poured down on me.

The first thing I should have done was speak to someone. Anyone, but my fear of judgement comes up when I'm feeling my lowest, so I didn't want to speak to anyone for risk of further "Attack" when they probably would have helped me. I went through anger, terror and it was all directed at myself. I was ruining everything with my "stupid emotions", who only wanted to speak to someone. I hated me and felt ugly, scrawny and stupid.

It was an utter deterioration of myself.

It was a long time coming, in someways. I needed to pass through it, though I certainly wish it had been so much less savage. I was a cornered dog, biting and snapping with out thought, until I'd bitten my self enough to realize this was fruitless.

Settling, I called someone and they walked me through how exciting everything was about to be, and that they understood this was coming, and that I had every right to feel some of these feelings. I went through the list of things to be excited about.

I am still frustrated at the timing of it, and for the fact that I let it kind of fall out of me. But I think those things can be resolved with speaking and in two weeks, perhaps even resolved.

This morning I've rebuilt. While it is as cold as balls in this place, I'm going to sit down stairs. I'm going to ease myself into socializing and I'm going to write some novel.

2. Raised by Captain America and the Bitter Dual Nature of the Now.

I don't think you are superman. I think you are Captain America. The title is a farce of course. You wish to be superman, indestructible, god like, morally sure of his actions and able to follow through. Captain America suits you better. He is structured with flaws, which he over comes with his kindness and a sort of thoughtfulness that looks out for others around him. He is the man we wish to be, chosen for our morals and not born into something so grand. He made who he was with his heart, for his all that, flaws and all.

Insight, struggle and I understand why you wished for so long to be on your own.

After speaking with you, I feel enlightened, with a touch of insight.

I am fortunate. All my life I have had supportive family and friends, even when I didn't think they were being so, they were always looking out for me and wanting me to be so happy.

You, I feel you've faced something so much harder then I and its your determination to remain good, honest and truthful is what I find so admirable. You are a hero to yourself, more than comic could come up with. The incredibly, you find yourself coming to the truth. Your softness is an admirable quality.

I want you not to worry with me. I just want care and love, to know that you're feelings will be returned.

....

But this is also the last two days, where my heart remains strangled in agony. It was you who used the word once to describe it. I wouldn't be able to do this were it not for you, but how my heart hurts when your not with me. When I can't be with you. Not allowed, hidden pushed and locked away.

I've wanted to cry all evening. I'm so close to the end. Only two sleeps. But it does not change how the now feels, and how much junk I have to pump into my mind to make me stand up right and smile at a stranger. I feel useless, stripped and ugly in these moments. Nothing is right on my body. Nothing is right in my body.

I've been hunted by half a handful of others too, and all I want is to fall back and feel protected, safe with you. I want to say I am not yours to hunt. Leave me be. But I have to find other ways. Lies upon lies. It all tastes stale on my tongue.

Strangled and hidden in a cupboard. I hold every faith in you, but I've been hurting for so long. It will take a bit of time before my cynicism subsides.

I hope the I'll stop feeling sick in the evenings, ill from the stress. I miss you.